


Baby I'm So Lonely

by moshiznik



Category: GIRLee - Fandom, SHINee, SHINee (GIRLee)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Car Accidents, F/M, Heart Attacks, Idols, M/M, Romance, Tragic Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-30
Updated: 2016-08-30
Packaged: 2018-08-11 23:10:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 24,450
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7911220
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moshiznik/pseuds/moshiznik
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Love has never been easy for Kim Jonghyun or Lee Eunsook. As an idol Jonghyun is constantly surrounded by adoring fans but he can't help but feel utterly alone. Eunsook struggles to find the right person to love her - all of her - and can only hope that when she finally does decide to give her heart to someone, she'll be able to survive it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Hello

**Author's Note:**

> This was originally posted to my AFF: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/948490/1

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
When I see myself during these times  
I feel that I really am young  
Even with you in front of me  
I don't know what to do  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

If there was one thing Jonghyun loved about his career it was the fact that at the end of the day he got to do what he loved more than anything else, sing. Although it had taken years before his company let him compose and perform his own songs, he was proud of everything he had done in the five years since his debut. His most recent single Hello had taken Korea by storm and he was selling out his concerts faster than he ever had before.

 

“Jonghyun! We’re ready to go! Where have you been?” his manager barks at him, motioning to Jonghyun’s bodyguard to usher him along.

 

“Yah! Kibum, I wasn’t done signing these!” Jonghyun had been pouring over stacks of his new cd and posters for his fans after the concert, but apparently they were on a tight schedule.

 

“Bum, you know I hate being rushed-“ but his strong-headed and impatient manager brushed off his remarks, eyeing his bodyguard over his shoulder to indicate he best ignore whatever Jonghyun said. Rolling his eyes at the two, Jonghyun decided not to argue, his hand was cramped from hours of signing anyway. Yawning, he let Minho lead him out of his dressing room, following Kibum closely as they rushed to the company’s van.

 

Once he was situated and resting comfortably in the seat behind the driver, Kibum joined him in the back and his bodyguard Minho got into the passenger seat, nodding at the driver that they were ready to go. Jonghyun closed his eyes and breathed deeply, ignoring whatever Kibum was discussing with Minho and let his mind empty so that he could rest for a little while.

 

One of the hardest parts of being an idol was that he got very little sleep – sometimes during promotions and concerts, it wasn’t uncommon for him to go days without sleep, always rushing from one practice to the next. It was literally exhausting and his parents worried about him, but he always assured them that he was fine because at the end of the day he loved what he did. At this point it was just part of his normal routine, but that didn’t stop his mother and older sister from fussing over him constantly.

 

Jonghyun loved his family and hated being away from them but at times like these he was grateful that he was too exhausted to feel anything else. The most recent phone call with his mother had been hard enough as it was. He had just received his letter from the government confirming his enrollment in the army for the summer, only three months away. After many discussions with his company and production team, they had determined that at this point in his career, Jonghyun was famous enough to take a two-year leave and have a huge comeback once he was discharged. No doubt his president would use this as a marketing scheme and make millions off of Jonghyun, but as long as he was allowed to come back, he didn’t care about any of that.

 

If he was honest with himself, he was afraid of leaving this life behind him but he knew that he had a duty to his country, to his family and friends, to serve his mandatory two years. His bodyguard Minho would be joining him, they had already spoken with the military higher-ups and they had agreed to keep Minho and Jonghyun together so that nothing would happen. Not that there was a high likelihood that something would happen to him in the army, but it was reassuring to think about spending those two years with one of his closest friends.

 

Jonghyun jolted from his musings, having gone in and out of sleep, when the van stopped and he felt Kibum shifting next to him. Minho exited the van and opened the side door to let them out. Blinking the sleep form his eyes, Jonghyun finally took in their surroundings and was shocked to see that they were at his favorite club: Heart and Seoul.

 

“Kibum?” he asked, causing the other to turn around before he exited the van. “What’s going on? I thought we had a schedule….?” He trailed off, unsure of what to say next.

 

His manager and long time friend smiled at him, the twinkle in his eyes letting Jonghyun know that he was in for a surprise.

 

“Just get out the damn van, would ya? We don’t have all night.”

 

Jonghyun moved to follow him out of the vehicle, stunned yet again to see that there was a red carpet leading from the van to the club entrance. Hm… that’s new….

 

As soon as he stepped out of the van, the slew of people waiting outside of the club, whom he had assumed were waiting to get in, began screaming and chanting his name. Cameras flashed and chaos ensued as Minho placed an arm around him, shielding him somewhat from the crowd while other security guards helped keep the red carpet clear for them. Jonghyun waved meekly, still a bit groggy from his nap and willing his brain to catch up to whatever Kibum had up his sneaky sleeve.

 

Once they were safely inside the establishment, having been waved through by the doorman, Jonghyun turned to find it pitch black. “Minho, I really don’t understand what’s happening…” he said over his shoulder, but Minho just chuckled and said, “You’ll see, hyung, you’ll see.”

 

Before he could say anything else, the lights were turned on and the room erupted into yells of “surprise!” as balloons fell from the ceiling and cameras flashed. As Jonghyun took in the scene before him, the crowd began an enthusiastic rendition of “happy birthday” and he smiled, somewhat forcefully. Kibum sauntered up to him, singing loudly as he snapped one of those paper birthday hats onto his head and pushed him further into the room.

 

“Kibum,” he growled, a clear edge to his voice “I thought we talked about this-”

 

“Yah! You are my best friend, therefore it is my duty to throw you a surprise birthday party.”

 

“You know I hate surp-”

 

“Oh shut up already,” he smacked him on the back of his head, clearly annoyed. “Get over yourself and enjoy the damn party. Aish!” And at that, he stormed off until Jonghyun lost sight of him in the crowd that was now pressing around him. He soon found himself engulfed in friendly faces and “happy birthdays,” being passed from person to person in a whirlwind of sounds and colors.

 

Jonghyun looked over his shoulder at Minho who was following him but not closely, knowing that this crowd was all of his friends and co-workers. Minho caught his eye and smiled shyly, shrugging as if to say, “sorry, not sorry.” These sneaky assholes, he thought. Even though he was now 26 and birthdays were no longer as important to him as they had once been, it had hurt him that all day no one, not a single staff person or friend has wished him a happy birthday. Sure, he had gotten phone calls and texts all day – even the fans had sung him happy birthday at the concert, but no one – not Kibum nor Minho nor Taemin – had wished him a happy birthday.

 

Now though, as the crowd surrounded him, he realized it had all been part of their plan – their evil plan to throw him a surprise birthday party. While he was touched, he was also pissed off. Kibum knew how much he hated surprise parties. Jonghyun loved the limelight when he was on stage singing or when he was doing his radio show and didn’t have to interact with anyone face-to-face, but he really hated being the center of attention when he didn’t have a microphone or bright lights to get lost in.

 

“Jonghyun! Get over here already!” Kibum snagged him suddenly, for which Jonghyun would be eternally grateful even if this was his fault to begin with. “We’re back here in the VIP section, so you can sit down and I can finally eat something. I am starving!”

 

Sighing, Jonghyun allowed himself to be dragged by Kibum, Minho tight on their heels. It was going to be a long night.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
To the people who are in love  
Please tell me how you started to love  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Eunsook was, well in a word, flabbergasted. It was her second day working at Heart and Seoul and they were hosting a private (yet somehow very public….) birthday party for a celebrity. While yesterday had been hectic, with her following around one of the more experienced servers, Gwiboon, she had made quite the impression even in her limited time on the job. Not only had she managed to spill drinks several times, she had also dropped two plates of food, tripped over her own feet and crashed into Gwiboon, and overcharged several customers on their orders. All in all, her first day on the job had been rough.

 

Gwiboon had warned her, threatened really, that if she “pulled the same shit” today she would personally hire someone to murder her in her sleep.

 

Hoping - no determined - to make this day better, Eunsook had showed up to work right on time ready to face the weekend crowd, only to find the club completely empty of guests yet bustling with activity. Seeing Gwiboon as she passed, she meant to ask what was happening, only to have the younger girl snap at her, “Where the hell have you been? Get to work already!” and stormed off, muttering under her breath.

 

Since then, Eunsook had given the younger a wide berth, afraid of her reaction should she bother her again. After clocking in and dropping off her purse and jacket into the break room, Eunsook’s manager had come up to her a little frazzled but at least willing to give her some directions. She nodded her head at her boss’s rushed words, following him around as he barked orders at the other employees. He then filled her in on the party and that she would be working the VIP section in the back with Jo Kwon, a young server boy that joined them shortly after and gave her a reassuring smile.

 

Eunsook soon found herself in the back with Jo Kwon, following his directions to prepare the VIP section and listening diligently so that she wouldn’t miss anything.

 

“Um… Jo Kwon?” she asked hesitantly, not sure how he would respond to being interrupted while giving instructions. Gwiboon had hated it when she asked questions.

 

“What, love?” he said, smiling at her while continuing to straighten glasses and place them along the counter that lined the back wall.

 

“Whose party is this? I mean, I k-know it’s someone famous but who is it?” she barely finished her question; embarrassed that she wasn’t in-the-know like everyone else seemed to be.

 

“Oh, I think it’s that one singer, the sexy one?” he smiled at her, winking. “He had a concert tonight, I believe… What in the world is his name?”

 

“Kim, um, Kim J-jonghyun?” she offered. Jo Kwon instantly lit up at the name, nodding his head.

 

“Yes! That’s him. That boy sure has a set of pipes. I bet his breath control is really good, if you know what I mean,” he winked again and laughed as Eunsook blushed.

 

Kim Jonghyun had been the star of her fantasies since his debut five years ago. While he hadn’t been widely popular during his early years, “Jojo” had been her favorite song and, if she was honest with herself, swore that he was singing it directly to her. All of her friends found it weird to like idols, and boys in general, that were younger than they were, but that didn’t stopp Eunsook. Every time she heard his soulful voice, her heart fluttered and she lost her breath, not wanting to miss a single syllable.

 

She was completely, 100% in love with him and knew that without a doubt she was going to mess everything up tonight if she didn’t keep herself in check.

 

“Yah! Are you two ready? They are almost back here!” Gwiboon shouted at them through the doorway, causing Jo Kwon and Eunsook to snap to attention. Gwiboon motioned for Eunsook to come closer, and she did so nervously, afraid of what the younger would say next.

 

“Good luck, unnie,” Gwiboon said, a brief smile on her lips. “Jo Kwon’s really nice so he should help you out, but if you need anything just flag me down. Or threaten one of the other servers to help you because I said so, got it?”

 

Shocked at the interaction, Eunsook nodded slightly and smiled at her. “Thanks, Gwiboon, I’ll do my best!” And before she knew it, the girl had left, rushing off to whatever she had been doing.

 

Not entirely sure what she was supposed to be doing, she returned to her area and made sure she had her order pad and pen ready for when the guests would arrive. She heard raised voices coming closer until people finally began entering the VIP section.

 

There were about six people and they were just beginning to sit when Eunsook walked over to greet them and begin taking orders. As she said hello and bowed deeply, her hands caught in her apron while she was attempting to extract her notepad, and she was leaning a bit too far forward when she lost her balance and began to topple over. The familiar feeling of falling overtook her and Eunsook tried to free her hands but they seemed to be even more entangled in her apron and she squeaked, startled and afraid of her imminent fall.

 

Just as she braced herself for impact, two strong hands caught her and stopped her from face-planting; jerking her upright and knocking the breath out of her from the shock and sudden shift in gravity.

 

“Hey there, are you okay?” she heard, warm breath brushing her ear as one hand moved up and down her arm as if to soothe her while the other remained tightly gripped on her waist, steadying her.

 

Blushing, she nodded her head and was afraid to look up and meet the eyes of her rescuer. She would know that voice anywhere and could feel herself beginning to panic at the embarrassing situation she found herself in. Out of all the scenarios she had ever imagined for meeting her long-time fantasy, she had never expected Kim Jonghyun to have to be witness and Good Samaritan to one of her clumsy spells – which her friends and family referred to as Eunsook-condition.

 

“Yes, t-thank you,” she managed to respond, shaking her head slightly to clear it. Shifting in his embrace, she became very aware of just how he was touching her, how their bodies were almost flush against each other. The hand on her waist was gripping rather tightly and she mentally dreaded that he could feel how squishy she was. At the thought, she twisted, breaking the contact but turning directly to face him. His perfectly round golden eyes were wide with concern at her sudden movement.

 

“Oh my,” she breathed, her mind going blank while her heart began racing a hundred miles a minute and she could feel moisture begin to form behind her eyes, unable to handle the embarrassing situation much longer. Willing her emotions to remain in check, she opened her moth again but nothing came out. Closing and opening her mouth again, she wet her lips with her tongue and glanced over to Jo Kwon, silently begging him to help her. As she glanced away, she missed how Jonghyun’s gaze dropped from her eyes once she looked away and followed the movement of her tongue moving over her lips repeatedly.

 

Jo Kwon came over, putting his arm around her as he cooed at her, “Are you alright, hun?” After ensuring that she was indeed alright, he turned to the group and bowed, apologizing and excusing them for a moment, taking Eunsook out of the room and guiding her to the break room. He muttered something else to her, leaving the room, but all Eunsook could manage at the moment was the feeling of complete and utter failure that was churning her stomach.

 

She was going to get fired, she just knew it.

 

How could she manage to fuck up this job after only two days? Her mother would be livid, they needed this job to help pay for medical expenses – for her medical expenses. Eunsook had a rare heart condition that caused her to be hospitalized for months on end whenever something happened, which was often. Her last visit to the hospital had only been for a few weeks but the bill was still expensive and her parents were aging, unable to pay off as much as they once had when they were both able to work multiple jobs and long hours.

 

“Unnie?”

 

Turning at the voice, Eunsook saw the concern on Gwiboon’s face and broke down, unable to keep herself together any longer.

 

“Oh, unnie, what’s wrong? It’s okay, come here,” and the younger girl brought Eunsook into her embrace, patting her hair and shushing her as sobs wracked her body.

 

Not only had she just humiliated herself in front of the love of her life, she had also cost her family a much needed source of income.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Hello, hello  
I brought up the courage  
Hello, hello  
I want to talk to you for a moment  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Unsure of what was exactly going on, Gwiboon continued to pat the older girl’s head and gave her manager the death glare when he came into the break room, looking as though he was going to scold them for not being on the floor. Thankfully he backed off at her look and Eunsook took no notice.

 

While the girl had driven her insane yesterday and was a disaster waiting to happen, she had also grown on Gwiboon with her big, innocent eyes and charming smile. Gwiboon was good at sensing people and she knew that deep down, Eunsook was a sweetheart, so it hurt her to see the gentle girl so upset. As the girl’s sobs soaked her shirt, she promised herself that no matter what had happened she would help Eunsook in any way that she could.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Hello, hello  
Please give me a chance  
Hello, hello  
I don't know how you feel right now  
Who knows? Two of us  
Might be destiny  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Jonghyun was well on his way to being wasted as Kibum shoved drink after drink into his hands. While he suspected that his manager was determined to make him have a good birthday, he knew that part of his inebriated state was due to the attractive bartender, Jo Kwon if he remembered correctly, that Kibum was constantly talking to and beckoning over to where he was sitting. Rolling his eyes at his friend’s antics, he downed another mouthful of whatever drink he had been given and turned to face Minho, only to find him making out with Taemin, his boyfriend and Jonghyun’s choreographer. In fact, everywhere he looked people were either locked in a passionate embrace or whispering close together.

 

He hated being single. Sure it had its perks in the business and it was never hard to find someone to have a good time with, but he missed the intimacy, the feeling of belonging to that one special person in some way. At the downward turn of his thoughts, he motioned for another drink, taking Jo Kwon away from Kibum, who turned and gave him the stink eye, but he just ignored him. If Kibum thought there was any way he wasn’t getting laid tonight then he was as stupid as he looked. Jo Kwon had been eye fucking him all night and Jonghyun was ready for them to get a room already and get out of his sight.

 

The waiter served him his drink and Jonghyun nodded in thanks, sipping slowly. He resumed his earlier perusal of the room, in search of someone to talk to, when he noticed the waitress from earlier enter. When she looked up, their eyes met and she bowed deeply, but not before he noticed that her eyes were a bit swollen and red.

 

She made her way over to the bartender and began bowing, no doubt apologizing for disappearing earlier. Jonghyun couldn’t help but admire her from afar; her long hair framed her face and reached to the middle of her back. Although she wasn’t thin by any means, he found himself attracted to the curves of her body, moving his eyes from her rather large breasts to her indented yet soft looking waist, down to her shapely ass and thighs. While Jonghyun usually liked his girls rail thin and toned, he felt himself responding to this girl in a very physical way.

 

Taking another sip of his drink, he continued to assess her until she turned around and once again caught his eye. He smiled and nodded at her, and she made her way over to him.

 

“Can I get you another drink, sir?” she asked, her voice melodious and so smooth, like honey.

 

“Um…” glancing down, he noticed that his drink was indeed empty. “Yes, I’ll have whatever you recommend, but none of that hard stuff. I like my drinks like I like my women, sweet.” He tried to wink at her but she turned on her heel before he got the chance.

 

Really? Is that the best you’ve got, Kim? Don’t be a creep. He reprimanded himself, shaking his head to try and clear it so that he could have a better conversation with her when she returned.

 

She returned shortly, with a clear drink in her hand. “Here you are, sir,” she said and made to leave again. Seeing his chance, he snagged her wrist and pulled her toward him. He must have used more strength than he meant to because the next thing he knew she was sitting in his lap, a surprised look on her face.

 

“Oh, sorry!” he said, but made no move to release her. She looked up at him, uncertainty written on her face. She glanced over her shoulder at the bartender, but he was wrapped up in whatever Kibum was saying. For once, his manager was exactly where Jonghyun needed him to be.

 

He moved his hand to her chin, guiding her face back to his so that they were looking eye to eye. “Hi, there,” he said softly. “My name’s Jonghyun.”

 

“I know,” she said quietly, a blush tinting her cheeks red. Wow, she really was something else.

 

“Do you now,” he smiled at her, completely aware of the effect he was having on her as he felt her squirm under his gaze, moving on his lap. “And what might your name be?” he asked, moving in that much closer, if that was even possible.

 

“Eun-eunsook,” she breathed, clearly nervous but not moving back from his advance.

 

“Eunsook,” he repeated, the sweet name caressing his tongue as he spoke.

 

“Well it’s nice to meet you, Eunsook….?” And he trailed off, unsure of how to address her directly.

 

“Noona,” she responded, finally breaking eye contact as her cheeks once again blushed a bright red.

 

“Ah,” he said, thrilled. While other males enjoyed being called oppa, he had always secretly fantasized about sexy noona’s that were more experienced and would help take care of him. “Well, Eunsook-noona, today’s my birthday and I still haven’t gotten my birthday wish. Want to help me out?”

 

“W-what did you wish for?” she asked, biting her bottom lip as she continued to stare down at this chest.

 

“Oh, if I told you then it wouldn’t come true. What fun would that be?” he asked, smiling devilishly.

 

He kept breathing her in and couldn’t help but be intoxicated by her scent. Moving closer to take more of her in, his movements caused their position to shift and she moved on his lap, rubbing over a certain part of his anatomy that was getting excited by her proximity.

 

Just as he was about to close the distance between them, she jumped off his lap and moved back quickly. “I’ll, I’ll be right back, Jonghyun-ssi,” bowing before exiting the room.

 

Great, just great. He thought. Now he was stuck with a room full of lovebirds again as the only singleton. Why couldn’t he have just kept his cool and not scared her off. She did seem like a nice girl and he wasn’t usually so forward, well at least not with girls he actually liked. And he had a sneaking suspicion that he if he was given the opportunity to get to know her, he would really really like her.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
My heart wants all of you, never let you go  
If this is love, I'll never let it go  
Who knows? The two of us  
Hello, hello  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


	2. Noona, You're So Pretty

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
My love for her is just an instant feeling  
Whatever anyone says, she's my life  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

After excusing herself from the room yet again, Eunsook snuck into the bathroom needing some space from all of the people. She could not believe that Kim Jonghyun had just drunkenly flirted with her and she had almost fallen for it. She had almost let him kiss her!

 

What was she thinking? There was no way he would be doing this if he were sober and she needed to remember that to avoid doing something stupid.

 

Finally composed, she returned to the VIP room to find it mostly empty. In fact, the club itself was emptying out so that only a few people here and there were left behind. Glancing at her watch, she was surprised that it was so late! It was nearly 1:30AM and the club would be closing soon, the party ending.

 

Jo Kwon moved past her, a drunken man clinging to him and sneaking quick kisses as he bid her a good night. She nodded, smiling at the cute couple the two made, happy that he would have some fun tonight. Someone should.

 

With those two gone, however, the only person left in the VIP section aside from her was Jonghyun, who was slumped over the table. Approaching him warily after their last interaction, she came up to him and noticed that he was sleeping. Drool spilled from his mouth and he was slightly snoring, completely out of it. Although it was somewhat pathetic, Eunsook couldn’t help but think to herself how adorable he looked and had to stop herself from snapping a picture on her phone.

 

What on earth was she supposed to do with a sleeping guest? Let alone a famous one?

 

“Hey! Everyone has left and we’re ready to go,” Gwiboon entered the room and addressed Eunsook, only to take in the sleeping beauty before them and falter off. “What a lush!” she laughed, moving over and poking Jonghyun on his arm.

 

“Yah! Don’t do that,” Eunsook hissed, slapping the other girl’s hands away, afraid to wake him up.

 

“Manager-ssi is not going to be happy about this,” she said. Looking over her shoulder as if sensing him nearby. Right on cue, he entered the room, fiddling with his keys and looking tired from the big night.

 

“Ladies, let’s get moving, we don’t have all night,” he said, glancing up at them to see what was taking so long. The girls parted so that he could see the sleeping form behind them, and he sighed loudly, swearing under his breath so as not to scare the girls even though they could hear every word.

 

“Alright, where’s his manager, Kim Kibum?” he asked Eunsook.

 

“Um…” she said, afraid of getting Jo Kwon in trouble for taking the man home with him. “I’m not sure. I saw him walk out earlier but didn’t’ know that he wasn’t going to come back.”

 

Her manager sighed and whipped out his phone, searching through the contacts before brining it up to his ear. After a few minutes, he sighed angrily and left a not-so-polite voicemail for Kim Kibum.

 

“Well, let’s get him out of here, shall we?” he stated, walking over to Jonghyun who was still sound asleep on the table.

 

“Yah! Jonghyun-ssi! Kim Jonghyun!” he shouted, slapping his arm and his face in an attempt to wake him up. “Sir, it’s time to go home, the party’s over.”

 

Eunsook itched to intervene, not liking how her manager was touching Jonghyun, but she refrained. She had no idea what would happen and was glad that her manager had still been here to help them take care of him.

 

“Yah! Get up!” he said more forcefully, but Jonghyun’s only response was to swat away his onslaught, muttering sleepily before burying his head in his arms again.

 

“Great, just great,” he breathed angrily, “Now what do we do?”

 

Inspiration hit Eunsook, and she moved forward. “Sir, can I…?” she asked before moving closer.

 

Curious about what the girl had in mind, he nodded and waited for her to make her move.

 

Eunsook bent down and moved her hand toward Jonghyun’s hips, patting down his legs and searching for- AHA! She found it! Moving her hand insight his tight jeans pocket, she found his phone and fished it out, triumphantly waving it around before backing away again. Unlocking his phone easily (his passcode was his birth date), she brought up his contacts and found the listing for “me,” which indeed included his address and other contact information.

 

“I’ve got it! His address is in here,” she said, maneuvering the phone so that her manager could see it.

 

“Excellent work, unnie!” Gwiboon gushed, yawning at the same time. “Now let’s get the fuck out of here.”

 

The manager glared at her, but the younger girl just glared back, raising her eyebrow in a challenge. Their manger just sighed and said, “Well, I guess it can’t hurt much, he is sleeping. But still, keep that potty mouth in check Gwiboon, or so help me…” but his threat was empty and they all knew it.

 

Leaning down, he hoisted Jonghyun up from the table and hauled him toward the front door, tossing his keys at Gwiboon who locked the doors behind them as they exited the building. Eunsook called a cab over and helped her manager get the sleeping singer safely into the back of the vehicle.

 

“Um,” he said now, motioning to the cabbie to wait. “Girls I don’t live near him at all, do you?” Gwiboon shook her head, but Eunsook nodded. If the address from his phone was correct, then she only lived down the street from his apartment building.

 

“Eunsook, would you mind going with him in the cab and making sure he’s settled?” he asked, pleadingly.

 

“I-I guess so,” she said, unsure if this was really something that she should be doing. Hopefully the cab driver would help her move him into his building because there was no way she could move him on her own.

 

“Oh, thank you! My wife would kill me if I didn’t get home until 4! Here’s money for the cab and some extra for your trouble,” and he shoved a wad of cash into her hands. Then he leaned back into the car, telling the driver their plan and ensuring that he wait for Eunsook while she helped Jonghyun at his place.

 

Waving goodbye, Eunsook climbed into the car next to Jonghyun who was still somehow passed out. She listed off the address to the cab driver and they pulled away.

 

While Eunsook was thrilled to be going to Kim Jonghyun’s apartment, this was not exactly the situation she had imagined.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Wishing on a falling star wish I could be where you are  
somehow you came and changed my everything  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

A loud beeping rang throughout Jonghyun’s apartment, stirring him from his deep sleep. The noise ended and he once again settled into his pillows. Minutes later, the noise returned, this time louder and unavoidable. Groaning, Jonghyun moved to find his phone and turn it off for the rest of the day. Once the device was successfully in his hand, he put in his passcode to unlock it and shut the damn thing off, but his code wasn’t working. Still not fully awake, Jonghyun tried to refocus and hit the code precisely, but the phone remained locked.

 

Sighing, Jonghyun brought the phone closer to his face, determined to make the thing unlock. Just as he went to press in his code for the fourth time, he noticed that his phone looked different somehow. Although it was the same shape, there was a yellow case on it instead of the blue he was used to seeing. Turning the phone over, he noticed that the case looked like a pineapple, bright yellow with a shot of green on the top – it even had a dangling pineapple charm!

 

What in the world? he thought, beginning to wake up even though his brain was still foggy from the amount of alcohol he had consumed the night before.

 

While he had been investigating the cover, the phone had thankfully shut off. Turning it over, he clicked the side button causing the phone to light up and show a background picture of himself. One of the photos from his latest cd album was staring back at him and he had no idea what this meant. Had Kibum taken his phone last night and changed everything? Or maybe it had been his young choreographer who was always up to no good.

 

Mind reeling and stomach beginning to churn, Jonghyun continued to turn the phone over and over, as if examining a puzzle piece that he just couldn’t place.

 

The phone began to vibrate violently in his hand, erupting into a song – his song – rather than the annoying beeping that had woken him up. As the phone rang, he saw “Eomma” pop up on the caller id and figured he should answer so his mother didn’t worry.

 

“Yoboseo?” he asked, attempting to not sound hungover so that he could avoid a lecture from his worry-wart mother.

 

“Yah! Who is this? Why are you answering my daughter’s phone? Are you with her? What is going on?” Jonghyun pulled the phone away from his ear at the angry yells coming from the phone. That most definitely was not his mother.

 

Brining the phone back to his ear slowly, he tried to speak up, “Um…hello? I’m, I’m not sure who this is but I think you have the wrong number?”

 

“Excuse me? This is my daughter’s phone number! This has been her number for years! Years!”

 

“Oh,” he said. Maybe this wasn’t his phone after all. “I’m sorry, I’m not sure whose phone this is, I just woke up.”

 

“What? You don’t even have the decency to learn my daughter’s name?! What kind of pervert are you?” The yells continued and Jonghyun once again withdrew the phone from his ear.

 

As he was waiting for the tirade to end, a girl entered his room and bowed deeply. “I’m sorry, Jonghyun-ssi, I think my phone dropped on your bed last night when I was helping you…” the girl trailed off as she stood up from her bow and noticed the bewildered look on his face.

 

“Um…” she said, following his nod to his outstretched arm that held the phone. “That’s mine, I’ll just,” and she moved to grab it from him.

 

“Your mother is on the phone,” he said, just as she drew away. “She seems pretty upset with me, but I have no idea what’s going on…”

 

The girl, what was her name again?, smiled and put the phone to her ear, speaking softly, “Eomma? Hi, it’s me.” And she moved out of the room, shutting the door behind her.

 

Curious now more than ever, not to mention that girl was very pretty and he needed to make sure she didn’t sneak out before he got her name, he followed her from the room, letting the sound of her voice lead him to his living room, where she was curled up on the couch with a blanket over her lap.

 

Smiling at her, he moved to his kitchen, determined to make a good impression this morning since he had no idea what kind of impression he had made last night.

 

She continued speaking on the phone, her voice soft enough that he couldn’t make out exactly what she was saying, but sweet enough that he was entranced by it. Her voice floated over his ears like honey, sweet and rich. It triggered something from the depths of his memory, but he was still too hungover and tired to make anything of it.

 

Just as she finished her phone call, he poured them each a cup of coffee and sat down next to her on the couch, not encroaching on her space but unable to resist the opportunity to sit close to her either.

 

He handed her one of the mugs and she accepted it with a bow of her head and a mumbled, “thank you.”

 

Smiling, he took a sip and continued to stare at her, trying to remember anything from last night. While he couldn’t seem to place her exactly, he remembered snippets, little moments here and there. He could remember the feel of her waist in his grip, the feel of her sitting on his lap.

 

“Um, I don’t mean to be a douche, but…who are you exactly? I don’t seem to have the best memory this morning.”

 

At the crestfallen look on her face, his stomach sank and he leaned forward, urgently saying, “No, please don’t take that the wrong way. I’m sorry, I just, I’m not good with names in the first place and I seem to be suffering from a hangover. Plus I am still half asleep – please don’t be upset.”

 

“Oh, okay,” she said, letting a small smile grace her lips. “Um, I’m Lee Eunsook. I helped you get home last night after your birthday party at Heart and Seoul. You had fallen asleep and no one else was there to help you….”

 

“Eunsook….Eunsook-noona?” he asked, glancing at her to see if he was correct. She smiled, nodding. “Thanks for helping me, but how did you know where I live?” he asked, afraid that she was one of those sonsang fans. It would be a real shame if this beautiful girl was a creepy stalker.

 

“Oh! I just looked it up on your phone. I’m sorry if that was rude, but you were out and your manager didn’t answer his phone…” At the mention of his manager, Jonghyun became irritated that his friend hadn’t been able to keep it in his pants long enough to make sure he had gotten home safely. He would no doubt be having a very long conversation with him later today.

 

“No worries,” he laughed, trying to ease her nerves. “But, why are you still here though?” Jonghyun was dying to know what exactly had happened when she helped him get home last night.

 

“Oh, I had, um…” she stuttered, shifting nervously for some reason. “I’m really sorry for the inconvenience. I’ll leave. I’m so sorry.” And to Jonghyun’s disbelief, she stood up and began grabbing her things.

 

No! He couldn’t let this beautiful girl leave him!

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
How do I be careful not to show you what I dream of  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Eunsook was embarrassed beyond belief that she had fainted last night after helping Jonghyun into his apartment. Although the cab driver had helped her get him from the cab and up to the front door, she had had to maneuver the sleeping singer into the elevator and up to his apartment, which thankfully had been included on the contact information in his phone.

 

While he wasn’t that big in comparison to her, the effort had strained her heart and she had begun to feel light headed as she positioned him on his bed. Heaving, she had given herself a few minutes of rest, leaning over him to make sure that he was laying comfortably.

 

He really was beautiful, she had thought to herself. Letting her fingers run through is hair, which was as soft as she had imagined, and followed the line of his eyebrows down the bridge of his nose to gently touch his parted lips. She could feel his breath on her fingers and was lulled in, moving closer to better examine the masterpiece that was laid out before her. Her heart clutched at the tender moment and she ached at the thought of this being her life, that she could perhaps do this every night after a long day at work.

 

He snored loudly, shaking her from her wayward thoughts. But this was reality and a man like Kim Jonghyun would never belong to someone like her.

 

She backed away, rushing to the door so that she didn’t have to be here any longer, didn’t have to test her emotions any further. However, in her rush to the door, the strain on her heart became too much and she felt a tightening in her chest. While she was used to blacking out, she was usually with friends or family and she became afraid as she felt the darkness overtake her. Somehow she managed to land on the couch, having been passing it when the fainting spell hit.

 

The stress of the night and the strain on her heart became too much as she let the blackness draw her in and imagined Jonghyun singing to her as she drifted off to sleep.

 

She had woken up minutes later, groggy and worn out. Drawing the nearest blanket to her, she curled up on the couch and vowed to leave before Jonghyun even woke up in the morning.

 

With a sudden loud noise that she recognized as her annoying alarm clock, she bolted awake and began looking around furiously for her phone. She was afraid that the noise would wake up Jonghyun and that he would be furious to discover an unwanted stranger in his apartment.

 

As the alarm sounded for a second time, she followed the noise until she was standing outside of his door. She heard movements from within and debated busting in before he was fully awake but lost her chance when her mother’s ringtone sounded and she heard him answer the phone.

 

That moment led them here, where he had asked why she was still here and she was afraid to answer. Although she doubted he was even interested in her, she knew she could not fathom telling him about her biggest weakness. In the past, no matter how close she had been to her boyfriends, they had always dumped her after finding out about her condition. They claimed that she just wouldn’t be as much fun and they wanted to live, to enjoy their partners to the fullest. Each time this happened, Eunsook’s heart shrank and shrank until she had become too afraid to even mention it to friends let alone potential lovers.

 

Her things gathered, Eunsook rushed to the door, not wanting to intrude on Jonghyun any longer. She made it safely to the elevator and pushed the button for the lobby until the doors began to close and she let out a long breath.

 

Just as the doors were closing, a hand shot through them and opened once again, revealing Jonghyun.

 

“You forgot your phone,” he said, moving to stand in the doorway so that the elevator wouldn’t close. He extended his hand to her and she took the phone, bowing her head a little in thanks. She felt him shift closer, moving into the elevator and looked up as the doors closed fully.

 

At the questioning look in her eyes, he smiled and said, “What kind of gentleman would I be if I didn’t escort my guest downstairs?” and moved to stand right next to her so that they were inches apart in the small space.

 

This time her heart was racing for much different reasons and she couldn’t control the giddy feeling in her stomach.

 

When the elevator reached the lobby, he motioned for her to exit and then followed her, waving to the doorman as they exited onto the street.

 

“Let me call you a cab,” he said, stepping closer to the curb and raising his hand at an approaching taxi.

 

“No, that’s alright, Jonghyun-ssi. I live a few blocks away and can walk.” She began walking away, needing to distance herself from his overwhelming presence.

 

“Oh!” he exclaimed, turning to see that she was already several feet away from him. “Well, let me walk you then! It’s the least I can do since you helped me last night.” And he easily caught up to her, smiling as he matched her strides.

 

“O-okay. Thanks.”

 

“No problem, noona.” Her heart fluttered at the title, loving that he felt comfortable enough to address her that way. The way he said the word sent shivers up her spine and reminded her of the many times he had whispered that to her in her dreams during very intimate moments.

 

Feeling herself blush at the dirty direction her thoughts were headed, she glanced over at him and noticed that he was looking her, a peculiar look on his face.

 

“What?” she asked, afraid that she had said or done something while she had been day dreaming.

 

“Oh, nothing,” he smiled, tilting his head in the most endearing way. “I just couldn’t help but notice how beautiful you are noona.”

 

She felt herself pale at his comment, unsure how to respond. They were walking so closely that she could feel his body move with silent laughter at her reaction. “Oh, come on, noona. I bet you hear that from all of the guys. Don’t be so modest.”

 

But she shook her head and looked over at him, unsure if he was teasing her to get a reaction or if he was being 100% serious.

 

“Eunsook!” someone yelled at her across the street. She looked up and saw her neighbor that owned a ramyun restaurant. Waving at the friendly man, she smiled and focused once again on her surroundings. They were almost to her building.

 

“Well, this is me,” she said, stopping a few minutes later. “Thank you for walking me home, you really didn’t need to.”

 

As she turned to enter her building, he grabbed her wrist. “Eunsook, I’d like to see you again, if that would be okay with you?” he asked as she looked up to meet his eyes. Her heart raced and she felt herself nodding slowly.

 

Flashing his brilliant smile at her again, he licked his bottom lip and took his phone from his pocket. “Give me your number?” At her blank look, he laughed and added, “Please, noona?”

 

Unable to resist his request for a second time, she listed off her phone number and he typed away. Seconds later, her phone chirped in her pocket and she brought it out, looking at the message he had sent her. It was a picture of him smiling cheesily.

 

She couldn’t help but smile at the picture and looked him in the eye again, “Thank you, Jonghyun-ssi,” before entering her building and letting the door close between them.

 

Unable to resist, she looked at the picture again and again, stopping in the hallway to do so. She added his number to her contacts and saved his picture.

 

“Eunsook, is that you? Where have you been?” she looked up at her father’s voice, slipping her phone back into her pocket and beginning to walk up the four flights of stairs to where her father was waiting for her at their door.

 

“Honey, you have to call us. You scared us last night.” He said, placing a strong yet gentle arm around her as he leaned down to kiss her forehead.

 

“I know, I’m sorry, appa.” She responded, feeling guilty for making her parents worry. However, her feeling of guilt disappeared as she looked a new text message from Jonghyun.

 

Smiling at the look of happiness on his daughter’s face, Mr. Lee’s worry was overshadowed by the hope that maybe his gentle Eunsook had finally found someone worthy of that smile.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
When you're not around I just feel a little down.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Two weeks later, Jonghyun found himself in Kibum’s office fidgeting with his phone while the older man droned on and on about Jonghyun’s new song Noona, You’re So Pretty. Jonghyun had shoved a cd at Kibum the day before finally giving him the new song he had been working on for weeks. He had loved it, instantly passing it along to his production team and the higher ups to get it approved.

 

As Kibum discussed concept with his cordi-noona and Taemin, working on the new music video they wanted to do for the song. Jonghyun continued to fiddle with his phone. Unlocking it only to lock it a few seconds later. His leg was jerking slightly and he couldn’t sit still.

 

“Jonghyun-hyung?” Taemin asked, drawing him from his intense study of the electronic device in his hand. “Are you alright? Are you waiting for an important phone call?”

 

Jonghyun shook his head but the young dancer just looked at him, waiting for an explanation. Sighing, he attempted to sit still, “I’m sorry, I’m just amped up about the new song, that’s all. I think I’m gonna go walk for a bit, get some air.”

 

At that, he bolted from his seat and exited the room, looking for the nearest staircase that could lead him to freedom. His phone had been haunting him all day and he needed some space, both literally and figuratively.

 

After that first night with Eunsook, they had texted a few times and he had intentionally shown up at Heart and Seoul when she mentioned that she would be working that night. Although he thought he had remembered her, his breath was taken away when he had reached the club and seen her behind the bar, cleaning glasses and laughing with the bartenders.

 

A shot of jealously went through him to see her smiling that way at other men, but he tried to ignore it. It was much too early in their relationship – no, friendship – to be thinking that way.

 

He made his way over to where she was and called to her, “Noona! Eunsook-noona!” At hearing her name, she turned a little surprised to be addressed by a customer, but smiled at him when she saw him standing there.

 

“Jonghyun-ssi! Hi! I didn’t know you were coming…”

 

“I know,” he smiled to himself at her warm welcome, loving the attention and the way the bartenders glanced between them. That’s right, he thought, she’s happy to see me.

 

Jonghyun had stayed at the bar the entire night, catching Eunsook in small conversations between her busy back and forth to take care of customers and cleaning up the area. When the bar announced they were closing and one of the body guards came over to him, she jumped in, placing her hand on his arm, “It’s okay, Joon, he’s with me,” and she gave him a huge smile.

 

He couldn’t be jealous this time though because her hand was still on his arm as she looked back at him and smiled. She was a little out of breath from how much she had been running around, flitting from the bar to the back room, and her bangs were sticking her face while little droplets of sweat clung to her lips. His eyes followed the line of her moth to her graceful neck, where the sweat was pooling in her clavicles and plunged into her V-neck shirt. He loved her work outfit, it showed off just how squishy and soft she was, how well endowed she was.

 

“Jonghyun-“ she said, a little breathless as she noticed just where his gaze was headed.

 

Looking up at her from his seat, he was still a little taller than her on the barstool, he moved her so that she was now positioned between his legs. He leaned in closer and her hand tightened on his arm, letting him know that although her face wasn’t showing him anything she was definitely affected by their closeness.

 

Moving in, his lips were inches from hers when he stopped. “Noona, can I kiss you?”

 

He glanced up to focus on her eyes, waiting for her permission. Jonghyun had no idea how he had stopped himself from claiming her lips, but he had been fantasizing about those plush lips for days and he wanted to do this right. He wanted to show her that he wasn’t some guy looking for a one-time thing.

 

“Y-yes,” she breathed, and he moved in, brushing their lips lightly as he breathed her in and encircled her in his arms. His hands wrapped around her waist and he loved the feeling of her soft but full in his embrace.

 

Her eyes fluttered at the light caress of their lips and he smiled, loving that he was affecting her so.

 

“Yah! Break it up you two! I want to get the hell out of here. Let’s go!” Gwiboon barked at them, stomping over to them and grabbing Eunsook’s arm, tugging her free.

 

Jonghyun chuckled and kept a firm grip on Eunsook’s hand as the feisty girl led them from the club. The two girls were whispering back and forth, and every once in a while Eunsook would look back at him blushing but stilling holding his hand. He somehow missed the evil glares that Gwiboon gave him, but Eunsook was worried that he would catch them and worked to get rid of the younger girl.

 

“Night, Gwi! I’ll talk to you later,” she said, kissing the girl on the cheek and pushing her down the street to her boyfriend’s car. Woohyun always picked her up after her shift, insisting that his girlfriend would not be taking the bus this late at night. Jonghyun agreed wholeheartedly, which was one of the reasons he had come to the club tonight – even though they were nothing official, he still felt weird thinking about Eunsook walking home alone at night.

 

Jonghyun pulled Eunsook closer to him, wrapping his arm around her waist so that she was snuggled into his side. Although they had been talking almost every day since that first day, they had had little physical time together and he intended to take advantage of every minute of it.

 

He began stroking her side as she babbled on, describing customers from the night and highlighting some of her interactions with other staff members. Jonghyun could listen to her talk all night and was drawn to her, moving his mouth to her ear and nuzzling her hair. At this, she faltered and they stopped walking.

 

“Jonghyun-ssi,” she said, her voice soft yet firm. “What are you doing?”

 

He drew back from her a little, unsure of what she was asking. The last thing he wanted to do was make her feel uncomfortable, but he just couldn’t resist being so close to her. “Hm…” he said, turning her to him and moving his hands up to cup her face. “I’m not sure, Eunsook. What do you want me to do?”

 

Looking deep into her eyes to not miss a single moment, a single emotion flicker through those golden orbs, he saw them darken and glance down. She looked back up, licking her lips and moving into him until they were a breath’s width apart. “Kiss me,” she said. Jonghyun did just that.

 

Smiling now at the memory, Jonghyun once again glanced down at his phone. He appreciated the cool breezed that brushed over him on this beautiful spring day, but he wasn’t distracted completely from his worries. He had been texting Eunsook last night, anxious to see her or speak to her. Since their first kiss, and all of the kisses since then, he had been inspired, needing to get his emotions out in the open.

 

Although he constantly told her how beautiful she was, she always brushed him off. However, there was no denying that no matter where they went, she drew attention from everyone with her dazzling smile, sweet voice, and hearty laugh. There was just something about her that drove Jonghyun crazy and had inspired him to write his newest song, Noona, You’re so Pretty.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Noona, you are so pretty,  
Boys won’t leave you alone  
Honestly, I know your shaking feelings  
To you I know this love is one moment, one feeling  
But no matter what is said, this is my life’s everything.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Knowing that Kibum was working hard on the song with his company, he had to let her know about it, that she had been his inspiration. He had sent her the song last night and was dying to know what she thought, but he hadn’t heard anything from her. Nothing in over twelve hours.

 

Pacing back and forth in front of his company’s building, he caved and dialed her phone number, praying that she would answer.

 

After the third ring someone answered, but the “Yoboseo?” he heard wasn’t Eunsook’s voice.

 

“Um, hi. Is Eunsook there?”

 

“Yeah, just a second. Eunsook-ah! Phone!” Jonghyun could hear noises in the background, his nerves spiking while he waited to hear her voice.

 

“Hello?” she said.

 

“Hi, noona! How’re you?” he tried to not sound so on edge, but he wasn’t sure how he came across.

 

“Oh, hi, Jonghyun-ah. I’m good, how’re you? What’re you doing? Aren’t you are work?”

 

“Yes, I took a break though so I could talk to you.”

 

“Oh, okay. Well, what’s up?” she said. She was literally killing him! Had she not receive his message? Or was she choosing to ignore it so that she didn’t have to tell him how much she hated it?

 

“Well… I just wanted to see if you got my message last night? About the s-song?” Jonghyun began stuttering in his nervousness, unused to feeling this way.

 

“OH! Yes, I love it! It’s such a great melody. Did you write that?”

 

“Um…yes, yeah I guess I did.” Jonghyun was so confused. While he was glad that she liked his song, he was concerned that she didn’t have anything to say about the fact that he had written it for her. Well, that she had inspired most of it anyway.

 

“It’s great, Jonghyun-ah. Don’t worry, it’ll be a big hit.”

 

“Thanks, noona,” was all he could say.

 

“Jonghyun, I really have to go, but I’ll text you later before work, okay?”

 

Afraid to miss his chance, Jonghyun decided to just get it over with, he had been suffering all day and didn’t know how much more he could handle.

 

“Noona, wait! That song, I um…I wrote it for you. I mean, you are the main inspiration for it.”

 

There was only silence on the other end of the phone. Seconds turned into minutes and still Eunsook said nothing. Jonghyun clutched the phone closer to his ear, desperate for any reaction.

 

“Eunsook-noona? Are you still there?”

 

“Yeah, I’m still here,” she paused and Jonghyun held his breath. “Jonghyun, I-I don’t know what to say. You wrote – you wrote a song about me? That song?”

 

“Yes! Well kind of. I wrote it about you in some ways, but I really wrote it for you. So that you could, um, could know how I feel.”

 

“Oh, Jonghyun-ah, I just, I don’t-“ and to his complete horror, she began crying on the phone. Sniffling loudly and taking gulping breaths, “J-jong-“

 

“Don’t cry, please don’t cry. I’m sorry if I upset you. Let’s just forget okay. Don’t worry, I’ll tell Key to stop production and we don’t have to ever talk about it again. I’m so sorry…” He was terrified that he had upset her so much. He had to rectify the situation as soon as possible so that he didn’t lose her.

 

“Wait, what? No-no, Jonghyun, stop.” Her tear-filled voice cut off his train of thought.

 

“Jonghyun, no. I’m c-crying because, because I’m happy. You wrote a song about me. You wrote that song, that beautiful, lovely song, for me. Me. Lee Eunsook. I mean, you’re Kim freaking Jonghyun and I’m no one! N-no one!”

 

Shocked at her confession, he didn’t know what to think. How could she not know the effect she had on him, on everyone.

 

“Eunsook-ah,” he said softly, trying to show her how much she meant to him. “Baby, no. You are…you are everything. I-I can’t eat, I can’t sleep. I can’t do anything without thinking about you. I know that I’ve only known you for a few weeks, but I feel like I’ve known you my whole life.”

 

He could hear her crying again on the other end of the phone and he ached to be near her, to be able to hold her, to kiss away her tears. Jonghyun was overwhelmed by what he was feeling, what this girl, this woman was making him feel. He had already confessed so much, had said way more than he had meant to originally, but now he might as well say everything.

 

“Eunsook, I know that we’ve only know each other for a little while, but I was wondering if-“ but here he faltered, unable to actually get the words out; too nervous about her rejection.

 

“What, Jonghyun?” she said, voice clear and questioning.

 

“Noona, will you, will you be my girlfriend?”

 

“Oh-oh, Jonghyun, I want that more than anything, I really do,” she said.

 

“Yes! Oh my gosh, baby, I don’t even know what to say,” he gushed, unable to contain his excitement.

 

“Wait, Jonghyun, please wait,” his steps faltered once again, unsure of what was coming. “I want to that, I really do, but I just can’t. I can’t be your girlfriend. It wouldn’t be fair to you, I’m sorry.”

 

“What do you mean?” he said, unwilling to let it end here. He knew that she felt the same way, so why was she saying no? Why was she denying them both what they wanted?

 

“It’s complicated, okay? I just, there are things that you don’t know and I just, I can’t-“ and with that she broke off again, crying.

 

“Baby, no. Don’t cry. What’s wrong? Tell me, please. Please,” he pleaded, even more upset that he wasn’t with her now.

 

“I-I just have, some stuff going on right now, okay? And I can’t commit to anything too serious.”

 

With that, she hung up the phone, causing his phone to beep and blink “Call lost” at him. Unsure of what had just happened, but needing to fix it, fix whatever had her so upset, he left the building and ran towards the parking lot. He flagged down his driver and they got into the van, Jonghyun giving him Eunsook’s address and urging him to step on it.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
"Please don’t let go of this hand"  
That's my promise  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


	3. My Electric Heart

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
You melt like chocolate candy  
In this exact moment, you’re electric heart  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Gwiboon had never seen the older girl so upset. She was over at Eunsook’s house before their night shift, enjoying some free time to just hang out when Eunsook’s brother, Kyungsoo, had rushed into her room handing off her phone and Eunsook had taken the call out. Her blush let Gwiboon know that she was talking to Jonghyun, the boy that she couldn’t shut up about. Rolling her eyes, she had been content to finish painting her nails in silence while Eunsook took the call out into the hallway. That was until Eunsook had come back into the room, red faced and crying.

 

Not wanting to get her wet nail polish, a vibrant pink, on her friend, Gwiboon patted the older girl’s back and let her cry it out. She would tell her what had happened eventually, but Gwiboon knew that somehow that stupid boy had made her cry and she vowed that he was going to pay.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
All the meaning of the world disappears  
You and I are the only two left  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

“Oh, Gwi, I’m so sorry,” Eunsook hiccupped, unable to control her sobs. “I couldn’t tell him, I c-couldn’t….” Eunsook had been debating whether or not to tell Jonghyun about her heart condition for the past several weeks as they had become closer, but she just couldn’t bring herself to do it.

 

“Sh, it’s okay, unnie. It’s okay,” the shorter girl patted her back comfortingly. Eunsook was so thankful for her quiet understanding; Gwiboon was the only person who really knew about her and Jonghyun and, consequently, how she felt when it came to telling other people about her condition. The fact that she had been in love with Jonghyun the idol for years and was quickly falling head-over-heels for the real Jonghyun now, made her even more afraid of the power he had over her. If she told him and walked away, he would break her heart.

 

“Unnie, come on, sit down. Let’s finish the movie okay. Just calm down and we can talk about it later, alright?” Gwiboon led her to her recently vacated spot on the futon in Eunsook's room and moved to resume the movie, a Thai movie that starred Gwiboon’s crush Nichkun from the popular band 2PM. She swooned every time he was on the screen, especially because his character was a runner that wore short shorts and was very sweaty.

 

Eunsook slowly calmed down but was still too lost in her thoughts to pay much attention to the movie.

 

Although she had tried to keep Jonghyun at an arm’s length, he had wormed his way into her heart and she had let herself get too attached, get too caught up in the fantasy. Regardless of her heart condition, she should have been more cautious about how fast she was falling, because no matter what he said to her she was still a nobody while he was a famous singer. He was known all around the world and loved by everyone, whereas she was a girl who worked in a nightclub.

 

She had nothing to her name, no college education, no fancy job, nothing. She was average looking at best and knew that while men found her face attractive, they found her body lacking. Her last boyfriend had been particularly harsh, urging her to lose weight and dress more like the girl kpop idols. Even if Eunsook had wanted to, she couldn’t lose weight. Her doctor forbid her to go on any diets and her medications caused her to retain water. She wasn’t huge by any means, but she knew that she wasn’t desirable either.

 

But Jonghyun was always telling her how beautiful she was, had always insisted that he liked her just the way she was. After that first kiss, they hadn’t gone much further, but the way that his hands explored her body, showed her that he wasn't lying.

 

As he would walk her home from work, he would grab her around the waist, squeeze her to him and move his hands up and down her back, tickling her sides until she pushed him away, laughing. When they kissed, he would grab onto her hips and moan, kneading her skin as the kiss deepened until she would inevitably break it, needing to catch her breath and slow her heart.

 

Not only was Eunsook wary of his reaction to her physical state should they ever take things further, she was also worried about how he would react to the fact that she was sick, terminally so.

 

Eunsook couldn't remember a time when she wasn't on the heart transplant list, but she was such a high-risk patient that no hospital wanted to operate on her. Her regular heart doctor was no miracle surgeon and refused to operate on her, fearing that she would die from the strain of the surgery. It scared Eunsook whenever she really thought about it, it had caused her to go into a deep depression in high school when she realized she could never go to college, could never survive (literally) in a high stress environment. Besides, her family could never afford to send her to college and pay for her ever-present medical bills, so she had been forced to work.

 

Her younger brother Kyungsoo had been the one to drag her out of her depression. Although he was the younger sibling, he had always been the one to take care of her. One day, he had come home from school and found her passed out on the floor, late for work. Frantic, he had dumped water on her face and cradled her head as she startled awake. He was so upset that Eunsook didn’t know what to do. She had never seen him like this and it scared her, she didn’t know what would happen if she wasn’t here anymore. Would her baby bother be able to handle it?

 

Focused on staying healthy and positive, Eunsook had stroked Kyungsoo’s hair and told him that everything would be all right.

 

As months passed and she became more involved at work and happier in general, she began making friends and soon began seeing one of her coworkers. Although their relationship started out strong and Chansung often reassured her that he was fine taking things slowly, he soon began to push for more. Finally, Eunsook had to tell him about her heart condition, which stopped her from being able to have sex, at least in the rushed way that he was usually seeking. A few days later, he had texted her saying that it was over.

 

The three other boyfriends she had had since then all ended the same way. No matter what they said in the beginning, they always wanted more from her and she just couldn’t give it. None of them ever asked her what she wanted or asked her what she could give them. No, instead they assumed that she was completely unable and unwilling and decided to move on without her.

 

While none of these boys had been remarkable, it still stung her to know that she was less-than, that she was undesirable to her partners.

 

This is what scared her most about being with Jonghyun. Thus far, he had been unlike any other guy she had ever dated, seriously or casually. He was attentive and always asked her what she wanted. He had even had the decency to ask her if it was all right before he kissed her. It had been their first kiss and he had taken the time to ask her!

 

That night alone had made her fall madly, deeply in love with him. But there was always this nagging at the back of her mind. No matter how sweet he was, she just knew that he would leave her just like the others. She needed to end things now before it was too late and her heart was broken beyond repair.

 

When he had sent her the song, she was impressed and felt honored that he had shared it with her. As a huge fan, she knew that his was a new song and could recognize his style easily. But she had never thought in a million years that he had written it for her - about her.

 

The song tugged on her heartstrings now, making her eyes water again at the conflicting emotions. How could she love him so much when they had really own known each other for a few weeks?

 

A loud banging reached her ears, and she and Gwiboon both turned their heads at the same time. Someone was knocking on the front door, and Eunsook heard her brother answer, “Hello? Hey! You can’t just-“

 

Curious and needing to make sure everything was okay, Eunsook stepped into the hallway, motioning for Gwiboon to continue watching the movie. As she turned back around and continued towards the front door, she ran into something solid. Startled, she looked up and saw none other than Kim Jonghyun.

 

“What are you doing here?” she asked, unable to believe her eyes.

 

“I had to see you,” he said, reaching for her but dropping his hands to his side. “Can we talk in your room, I just need-“

 

“No, you can NOT,” Gwiboon snapped, joining them in the hallway.

 

“Gwi-“ Eunsook started, but the younger raised an eyebrow at her, effectively silencing her. She knew that look and that it was best to keep her mouth shut.

 

“You have some nerve, Kim Jonghyun,” Gwiboon stepped forward, poking him in the chest. “You make Eunsook cry and then come here, asking to speak to her. Get the fuck out of here!” At this she raised her hand as if to strike him, but Eunsook intervened.

 

“No! Gwiboon, please.”

 

The younger only glared at her, unhappy that she had been interrupted.

 

“Please, I just... I’ll talk to him, okay. It’ll just be a little bit.” Eunsook looked imploringly at her friend, who seemed to cave.

 

“Fine, but I am going to be right out here in the living room, so you just yell if you need me to kick his ass, got it?” She brushed past Jonghyun, pushing him in the wall.

 

Sending him an apologetic look, Eunsook walked into her room and Jonghyun followed, closing the door behind him.

 

“Eunsook, I am so sorry! I had to see you.”

 

Taking a deep breath, she steeled herself for whatever he had to say. She was afraid that he had come looking for answers and she knew that the one way to get rid of him would be to tell him the truth.

 

Steeling herself, she looked up. “Jonghyun, it’s fine. Really.”

 

He smiled at her, melting her heart that much more. Moving toward her, he stopped when there was barely an arm’s length separating them, but made no move to touch her.

 

“Eunsook, please. Please rethink this. Please tell me what’s going on.”

 

“Jonghyun, I can’t do this. I’m sorry, I just can’t. You don’t understand –“

 

“So help me understand!”

 

Taking a deep breath, she tried to keep her voice steady, “Jonghyun-ah, I can’t be your girlfriend because we won’t last. I know that’s not what you want to hear and I’m sorry if I was leading you on but I can’t be with you. There’s no future for us.”

 

Eunsook was staring at him, trying to stay strong even as her heart broke to see th eway his face crumpled, making him look completely and utterly lost.

 

“Noona, please. Just tell me why. I thought that we were having a good time. I-I feel so good when I’m with you. Don’t you feel that too?” She could hear his voice crack and waver, and knew that if he began crying she wouldn’t be able to continue, she would cave.

 

“Jonghyun, I told you. You don’t know everything about me and it just won’t work.”

 

“So tell me! You don’t know everything about me either, but I’ll tell you. I’ll tell you everything, I’ll tell you anything you want to know. Just give us a chance.”

 

On the brink of breaking, Eunsook decides to just say it, rip it off like a band-aid.

 

“Kim Jonghyun, while these past few weeks have been amazing and I am so glad that I got to know you better - got to know the real you - I can’t be with you. I am sick, very sick, and there is no future with me that wouldn’t be filled with hospital visits and complications. You deserve better than that, and I know that you have so much to offer-“

 

But before she could get out another word, her tears threatening to overtake her, Jonghyun was embracing her, kissing her forehead.

 

“Shh, shh,” he whispered into her hair, holding her close. “Eunsook-ah, what’s wrong. You can tell me? What do you mean you’re sick?”

 

“I have a heart condition, Jonghyun. My heart doesn’t work like it should and I need a new one but it's hopeless. I can’t do all of the things that I want to, I can’t be the person I want to be because I’m like this. I’m broken. I’m not perfect. I’m not what you need-“

 

But before she could finish, he interrupted her with a bruising kiss. She gasped at the sensation, this was exactly what she needed, what she craved, but it just made things that much harder – for both of them.

 

“Eunsook-ah, don’t ever say that you’re not perfect. You are exactly what I need, what I want.”

 

She began crying even harder at the earnestness of his voice. She had been through this before, they always say that it’s all right, that they’ll be fine, but it never lasts.

 

“No,” she says, trying to move away. He releases her but not fully; still touching her but giving her the room she needs to breathe. “No, Jonghyun. It won’t work. This is the same thing over and over and I’m tired of it. I’m tired of putting my heart and soul into a relationship and having it crumble in the end. I can’t handle it. My heart can’t handle it. I love you too much, I-”

 

“I love you, too,” he says, catching her off guard.

 

“…What? I didn’t-“

 

“Eunsook-ah. I. Love. You. Too. I’m not sure what happened in the past but I’m in this for good.” He smiled at her, that smile that she loves because it’s the smile he saves just for her. His hand moves to cup her chin so that she’s looking up in to his eyes, his soul laid out before her in those brown orbs.

 

“You are the only person I feel comfortable with. I know we’ve only known each other for a month but I am seriously in love with you and there is no future for me without you in it.” He tilted his head down slightly so that their foreheads touched and she shivered at the intimacy.

 

“Jonghyun, I can’t ask you to-“

 

“You don’t have to ask, Eunsook. You don’t have to do anything except let me in. Let me love you. Please."

 

And as she looked into his eyes, moving as if in a trance, her body betraying her, she kissed him and realized that she already had.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
I go crazy from that stare of yours  
My heart feels like it'll explode  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

“Babe, come on! The show’s about to start,” Jonghyun whined at his girlfriend - the word making him light with happiness. Like most nights, she was over at his apartment and he wanted to cuddle her to death, but tonight there was a special agenda. His new song had been released and he had been promoting it for the past two weeks. The show that he had filmed earlier today was about to air and he wanted Eunsook to see it and to hear exactly what he had said when the host had asked him about his new song.

 

Eunsook came from the kitchen, a plate of cookies in one hand and a glass of milk in the other. She set the two things on the coffee table and he pulled her down to sit next to him. He loved how comfortable they were together.

 

She smiled as he kissed her temple, and he cherished the moment. He hated that he was so busy with schedules and his life as an idol. Ever minute away from her was another minute wasted as far as he was concerned.

 

The show began and she pushed him away, sinking back into the couch and his embrace so that she could watch the show. He smirked at her, knowing that she secretly loved it when he was clingy. The hosts were talking back and forth but as soon as they started playing Noona, You’re So Pretty he shifted his attention back to the screen.

 

Even though he had been promoting his new song, he had done something a little special for this show and was desperate to see her reaction. It had been hard to work on a new song when she was constantly around him, not that he was complaining, but he had somehow managed it. He was very proud of his new song and couldn’t help but feel a swell of pride at how apt the title was: Electric Heart.

 

Although Eunsook was still hesitant about his reaction to her condition, he honestly didn’t see what the big deal was. She had a bad heart but that didn’t mean that she was defective, didn’t mean that he was going to love her any less.

 

She laughed at something the hosts were saying, but he was too nervous to laugh along.

 

“So,” the host asked him on the television screen, “your new song is a big hit! It’s a very catchy tune and has a very sweet message for someone your age. How did you come up with the song? Did you have a special noona in mind while writing it?” The host leaned in, winking at him conspiratorially.

 

At this point, it was no secret that the famous Kim Jonghyun had a girlfriend. Even though they had tried to keep Eunsook anonymous, a few rogue fans and lurking paparazzi had followed them and snapped her picture. The now famous picture of them sitting together at a local café, Eunsook laughing and Jonghyun leaning over the table, holding her hand and gazing at her tenderly, was displayed on the screen as Jonghyun responded to the host’s question.

 

“Haha, yes, I had a very specific person in mind.” Some of the audience laughed at this while others, mostly girl fans, moaned or booed. Thankfully these sentiments never bothered Eunsook, but Jonghyun still disliked that people disrespected her so publicly.

 

“And how does she feel about having a song of her very own?”

 

“Oh, she loves it. It made her cry,” Jonghyn winks at the camera, having known full well that she would be watching this later that night with him. Eunsook hits his stomach admonishingly but continues watching the tv.

 

“Would you mind singing it for us?” the tv host asks him, following the show’s script. Jonghyun, however, had a much different agenda in mind.

 

“Actually, I have a new song that I’ve been working on and would love to share with you, if you all don’t mind,” at this he turned and addressed the audience. They screamed in excitement and Jonghyun smiled widely.

 

Perfect.

 

“Oh! Well, of course, Jonghyun-ssi. Please,” he motioned for one of the show staff members to bring Jonghyun his guitar. As he accepted it and began tuning it, he looked a little past the audience and met his manager’s eye. Kibum did not look happy at this change of plans and Jonghyun potentially releasing a song that the company wouldn’t like, but he could care less.

 

Jonghyun began strumming his guitar and addressed the audience once again. “This song is dedicated to a special someone and is called Electric Heart,” and then he began to sing.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
You melt like chocolate candy  
In this exact moment, you're electric heart  
Stop all your eyes at this time  
Right now, I'm electric heart...  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

As the song began, Eunsook had stiffened at his side, but as he watched her throughout the entire song he could see the emotion in her eyes. She loved it and he couldn’t wait for his reward.

 

When the song came to a close, he strummed the last chord and the song faded to silence. The silence lasted for a few seconds and Jonghyun worries that they didn't like it, when suddenly the crowd erupts into cheers and applause. Jonghyun bows his head and smiles into the camera, knowing just who is on the other side of that lens.

 

“So…” he asks now, moving forward to mute the show. “What did you think?” He gently prodded her, poking her in the ticklish spot just under her ribcage.

 

Body still stiff and voice a little removed, she looked him right in the eyes and asked, “What were you thinking?”

 

Confused by the question he hesitantly responded, “Well... I was thinking that I wrote another song for you...and wanted to share it with the world, with you, really-“

 

“Exactly,” she exhaled, barely audible. He moved forward to hear her better. “Why didn’t you just sing it to me? Why didn’t you just tell me? No, instead you share something you wrote for me, something personal, with all of those people and not with me.”

 

“Eunsook-ah...," he entreated, cupping her face in his hand and wiping away a tear of frustration that had slipped down her cheek, "that’s not what I meant. That’s not… It’s….” but he couldn’t think of anything else to say. He should have known that she would react this way, she was a very private person and here he had gone and basically announced his feelings to the whole world.

 

“Omo, I’m sorry... But, really, everyone knows how I feel about you-“ but he was cut off when she glared at him, moving back so that his hand hangs in the air between them.

 

“You don’t get it, do you? I am not upset because people will know how you feel. I’m upset because you basically told everyone how I feel. How I treat you. You told them about my heart, Jonghyun. My heart.” A sinking feeling settled in Jonghyun’s stomach and he was stunned that he hadn’t thought for a single moment about her in this, other than how she would love his confession, would be thrilled by this broadcast of his feelings for her.

 

“Eunsook, I’m sorry.”

 

“Don’t,” she said, getting up and heading to his bedroom. He followed her, his hands itching to do something - anything - to comfort her but recognizing that she needed space. When he saw that she started to gather her things, he couldn’t take it any longer and entered the room.

 

Walking up behind her, he rested his head on her back, wrapping his arms around her so that she stilled.

 

“Eunsook-ah, I’m sorry, please don’t go,” he whispered, afraid of her answer.

 

Sighing, Eunsook's shoulders shook slightly as she took a deep breath. “Jonghyun, I’m not leaving,” she exhaled. “I just needed to think, so I came in here to clean up! Aish, you are so needy.” At her teasing tone, he knew that she wasn’t really upset. Smiling, he turned her around and pushed her gently onto the bed, hovering above her and taking in the sweet curve of her face, the dazzling brilliance of her returning smile as she shook of her frustration. Gods she was the most beautiful woman he had ever laid eyes on.

 

He loved seeing her like this and loved that they had been taking their relationship slowly, at least physically. Without a doubt, they were both head-over-heels in love with each other, but he had insisted on taking things slow. Sex was important, but he valued her well-being more than his need to get laid. And although they hadn’t gone the whole way, they had definitely tried new things and released some of their growing sexual tension in equally pleasurable ways.

 

She reached her hand up behind his neck, grabbing his hair and dragging him to her lips. He willingly obliged her silent request, losing himself to the feeling of her soft, pliant body beneath him. His hands roamed over every inch he could reach, loving the moans that she released, her mouth opening to grant him further access to her sweet mouth.

 

Jonghyun shivered at the feelings coursing through him. In this moment, he realized just how much he relied on her. Just how much Eunsook truly meant to him. His life before her seemed so empty now, so lonely, that he was afraid that he would never be okay again without her by his side. His heart thumped steadily in his chest as his hands raced across her skin, drawing her blouse up until he could tickle her sides, pinching her waist lightly before he lost all concentration at the needy sounds escaping from her mouth.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
It’s closer to fear than uneasiness  
From this continuous shiver that seems like a dream  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


	4. This Crazy, Guilty Pleasure

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Don’t you know? Don’t you know?  
It is dangerous, your smile  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Kibum was not amused. Staring across the room at his CEO, all he could do was just that. Sit and stare. Because no matter how much he disagreed with this plan there was no point in arguing. What the company wanted, the company got.

 

“Are we in agreement, Kibum-ssi?”

 

Ah, screw it, he thought. He would much rather he have this conversation than Jonghyun, and he knew that Jonghyun wouldn’t be able to control his emotions.

 

“Not really, sir.” At his tone, Youngmin raised his eyebrows in surprise. Kibum barreled on, not sure how much time he would be given to talk back like this. “Jonghyun-ssi is in a committed relationship. The public knows this. The company,” he took a short pause, allowing his anger to abate so that he didn’t do something stupid (like yell at his boss), ”has no legal power in regards to Jonghyun-ssi’s romantic relationships.”

 

“That is not important.”

 

Kibum was flabbergasted, “Of course it is! You cannot force him to date another idol just because you feel like it.”

 

Youngmin leaned forward, smile too sweet as if he was explaining something simple to a child. “We are not forcing Jonghyun-ssi to date anyone – or not to date anyone for that matter. The company believes-“

 

“You believe,” Kibum interrupted daringly.

 

“The company,” Youngmin repeated, voice laced with annoyance, “believes that the best move for Jonghyun as an artist is to diversify his portfolio, so to speak. Yubin-ssi is a very talented rapper and will increase Jonghyun’s ratings by adding in a new sound to his upcoming album. The promotion schedule will be rigorous for them, but it is no different from previous releases or that of other artists.” He raised a hand, seeing that Kibum was itching to interrupt him again.

 

“Kibum-ssi, I am surprised at your attitude. You should be happy that Jonghyun will become an even bigger star than he already is. This collaboration will undoubtedly raise suspicions from the fans about Jonghyun and Yubin’s relationship, but the company is only requiring them to collaborate on this album, nothing else. What Jonghyun’s relationship is to Yubin or his supposed girlfriend is not important where his new album is concerned.”

 

But after working for this company for a little over five years, Kibum can easily read between the lines. No matter how rational the CEO sounded, Kibum knew that Youngmin did not like the fact that his number one idol was slipping out of his control. That he might lose him not to the military, but to a woman.

 

Because if anyone understood how lonely Jonghyun had been upon his debut, it was the company that had worked him to the bone and given him no opportunity to even attempt to have a life. Kibum was the one who had to see it day in and day out, but he knew that the company did this to its idols, especially in the beginning of their careers, so that they wouldn’t cause a scandal and ruin the company’s chance to make money. So that the idols would be single and available for the fan’s fantasies, loving them as if they really knew them.

 

Because, in a way, they did. The company over zealously scheduled fan meetings and interviews, even allowing Jonghyun to host his own radio show a few years back so that the fans would get to know him.

 

Youngmin was not happy that his top idol was making a life of his own right under his nose. So they were punishing him, more than they probably realized. Kibum’s heart sank at the realization that by telling him all of this, Youngmin was expecting him to discuss everything with Jonghyun. To the company, this was a job and nothing else. Idols were employees who served the company and didn’t exist outside of their work. To them, idols owed them everything because without the company they would be nothing.

 

“When will preparation begin?” Kibum asked, ever the dutiful manager.

 

Youngmin smiled once again albeit this time more friendly, pushing a thick binder across the table. “Here is everything you need to know. All practices and recordings are already set, as well as performances and interviews. The usual for any new album promotion…” his voice trailed off as he stood up, a clear sign that their conversation was over. “I’m glad to see you came around, Kibum-ssi. I would have hated to waste time hiring a new manager among all this chaos. Jonghyun-ssi will be far more comfortable this way.”

 

Not bothering to respond to the barely concealed threat, Kibum flipped through the binder as the CEO left the conference room and he was left alone.

 

Page after page was filled with an already fully-fledged schedule for this album release. Generally, Kibum worked closely with the company’s production teams to arrange everything for Jonghyun’s promotions. As his manager, he best knew Jonghyun’s schedule and therefore was tasked with arranging interviews and the like. This time, however, it appeared that the company had taken care of everything and left zero room for error or rescheduling. Or rather, zero room for Jonghyun to live his life outside of this album.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
I think I’m drowning in you…  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Eunsook marveled at the easy way Jonghyun handled his adoring fans. He was seated at his familiar booth in the back corner of Heart and Seoul and several excited fans were waiting patiently for the opportunity to approach him, Minho making sure to give Jonghyun his privacy. Jonghyun’s wide smile greeted each fan, eyes never hinting anything other than happiness at being with his fans as he signed autographs and took selcas.

 

“Yah, get to work!” Gwiboon tsked, brushing past her and pinching Eunsook in the side teasingly.

 

Blushing at being caught staring at her boyfriend, Eunsook shook off the distracted turn of her thoughts and made her rounds to the different tables, picking up empty glasses and taking orders as they were given. It was almost the end of her shift and her blood rushed south at the thought of an intimate walk home alone with Jonghyun.

 

Dropping off the various glasses she had collected, she returned to the bar, giving Jo Kwon the new orders and waiting patiently for them to be filled. Feeling a heavy gaze on her, Eunsook looked up to see that familiar handsome face from across the room, Jonghyun’s eyes darkening as they made eye contact and she bit her lip, needing to do something to relieve the instant tension that coursed through her body. Their connection was soon broken as Minho ushered another eager fan in front of Jonghyun and he responded to something they were saying.

 

Sooner than she had expected, her shift ended and she was hanging up her apron in the back room and swiping her time card quickly before rushing out to the main floor where the music was pumping loudly over the stereos and warm bodies were drunkenly dancing together. Eunsook’s eyes searched through the writhing mess only to see that Jonghyun was no longer seated at his booth. Eyes scrunching with worry, she turned to her right, hoping to spot the idol but was interrupted by a quick kiss to her lips as Jonghyun’s familiar scent tickled her nose and his arms wrapped around her.

 

“Ready to go?” he asked, nuzzling his head into her temple as his hands sought out her own, intertwining their fingers. At her silent nod, he drew away, walking towards a waiting Minho who was holding the door open for them.

 

Stepping out into the brisk night air, Eunsook shivered from the drastic change in temperature, having felt comfortable in the warm club only wearing her basic tshirt that was part of her uniform. Now, however, she felt the chill of the air down to her bones and instinctually sought out the warmth of Jonghyun’s slightly larger body, wrapping an arm around his waist.

 

“Here, Eunsook-noona,” Minho said from behind them, noticing her shivers and moving forward to hand her his jacket.

 

“Thank you, Minho-yah,” she smiled graciously, extracting herself from Jonghyun to put on the large jacket.

 

As if remembering that they weren’t alone, Jonghyun turned to glance up and down the deserted street. “Minho, you can go home now.” Before the body guard could protest, Jonghyun continued, using the one thing he knew the younger couldn’t say no to to ensure his compliance, “I know Taemin worries about you being out so late. Go, we’re fine.”

 

Sighing in defeat, Minho gave a small wave, before striding off to hail a cab.

 

“So persistent to get my girl,” Jonghyun muttered under his breath, shuffling Eunsook closer so that she was tucked into his side. Eunsook smiled up at him, warmed at the thought that he was a tiny bit jealous at the other boy’s attention even if they both knew it wasn't romantic in any way.

 

“He is deliciously tall,” was all she said, leaving her voice light and thoughtful as if she was actually entertaining the idea. Jonghyun only scoffed, leaning down to kiss Eunsook’s hair.

 

She released a quiet sigh of relief as the familiar outline of his apartment building came into view and they both unconsciously picked up their pace so that they were soon being let into the front doors by the doorman.

 

“Evening, Jonghyun-ssi, Eunsook-ssi,” the kind man said, nodding in turn at each of them. Eunsook made sure to mumble a polite hello before she allowed Jonghyun pulled her toward the elevator, his grip on her wrist gentle yet demanding. After stepping into the waiting elevator, Jonghyun swiped his card and the elevator began ascending.

 

An air of impatience seeped from his pores, infecting Eunsook until she was short of breath from the building tension in the air. Jonghyun pulled her in front of him, his head resting intimately on her shoulder. She could feel the hard outline of his body behind her, even the slightest shift in weight driving her insane as he breathed her in, rocking them slightly to the unsung song that was driving this dangerous dance.

 

The elevator dinged, doors opening to reveal the idol’s lush apartment. As if lost in thought, Jonghyun stayed put, nose running up and down Eunsook’s sensitive neck, each teasing touch causing her to forget anything that wasn’t Jonghyun. She was a fly caught in his web, helpless under his spell.

 

“Jonghyun-ah,” Eunsook whined, overwhelmed by the emotions coursing through her. Her words drew him back to reality and he took in a heady breath, pushing her into his living room. The heated look in his gaze took away any resistance she had left, her heart beating wildly as he pushed them both toward the bedroom, only to be stopped by a warm, hard body against hers. Jonghyun’s gentle strength caged her into the wall, his hips digging into hers and his hands splayed on either side of her, elbows bent so that he could kiss her easily.

 

She knew that this was getting to be too much, that her mental image of collapsing from the intensity of their kiss wasn’t too far away from reality. But she couldn’t think properly. Couldn’t breathe as Jonghyun surrounded her in every way, biting at her lips, gripping her sides, holding her still with his hips.

 

“Bed,” she managed to gasp out between biting kisses. The need to stay here in this moment and indulge herself being overpowered by the ever increasing beat of her heart, the rush of blood that was coursing too quickly.

 

Jonghyun ushered her into his bedroom, tenderly laying her down on the bed before he was on top of her, hands grasping and lips searing.

 

Eunsook was puddy in his hands; each point where his fingers brushed over her heated skin electrified her nerves until there was nothing left for her to give him. Noises she didn’t know she was capable of escaped her and she felt a blush spread from her cheeks to her toes as Jonghyun shed her clothing piece by piece until there was nothing separating them.

 

He caught her lips with his own, chasing away the last shred of sanity she had left. She was powerless in his embrace, caught up in the love she felt for him as he worshiped her. Never before had Eunsook felt so cherished as she did right now, in Jonghyun’s arms.

 

“I love you,” he said with each caress. His velvety lips pressing soft kisses into her jaw, moving down to follow the curve of her neck, over her wildly beating heart. He paused over her bare breasts, looking up to meet her gaze as he licked and bit the sensitive skin. Eunsook shook from the sensation, heart racing as she started to lose consciousness.

 

“Nn.…” she whimpered, resisting her body’s slow descent into blackness, desperate to stay in this moment forever. “J-jonghyun…” but before she could finish her plea, she succumbed to the darkness and felt nothing.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Even if I do not awaken  
I’m happy that I was next to you.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Gwiboon glared across the hospital lobby, observing Jonghyun as he helplessly watched the chaos of the emergency room. Kyungsoo was crying into her shoulder as she hugged the young boy to her chest, an arm soothingly tracing up and down his small back.

 

As if sensing her attention, Jonghyun looked up and steadily returned her gaze. His pale skin was blotchy from stress, his eyes rimmed red from the tears he hadn’t been able to hold back. Not that he looked like he particularly cared that everyone saw how wrecked he was, Gwiboon noted. How in love he was.

 

The idol’s phone rang and he answered it, drawing away from the lobby and into the hallway.

 

“It’s okay, sweetie,” Gwiboon said softly, returning her attention to the small boy in her arms. Her heart clenched at the white lie because she honestly didn’t know what would happen. All she knew was that Eunsook had to be okay. She just had to be.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
You are a beautiful trap.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Jonghyun felt numb. His body buzzing with anxiety, needing to release all of the emotions coursing through him even though his mind was elsewhere.

 

Closing his eyes, he couldn’t get the dazzling sight of Eunsook out of his mind. She was so beautiful and each tentative touch, each tender look she had bestowed upon him had unraveled him until he was naked and vulnerable before her.

 

He loved her, he knew that. But this was different. This was a connection so deep, so real, that he knew he would never be able to escape. That he would never willingly choose to, because without her he would be nothing.

 

Eunsook’s family had arrived to the ER shortly after the hospital staff had wheeled her away. Jonghyun wasn’t able to properly explain the odd state of her clothing that he had hurriedly dressed her in before the EMTs had arrived. He felt wrong telling complete strangers what had happened, wanting to preserve their special moment, protect their privacy, but there was no point. He needed to save her – had to save her and there was no other way than to tell them everything. Jonghyun only hoped that it was enough.

 

A heavy weight settled over him and he looked up, returning Gwiboon’s harsh stare. Jonghyun felt guilt wash over him once again as he saw Kyungsoo crying in her arms.

 

What have I done? He thought, an utter sense of hopelessness taking over him as fresh tears fell down his cheeks. Rubbing his hand over his face, Jonghyun turned away, the loud ringing of his phone a grateful distraction.

 

“Kibum-ah,” was all he got out, answering the phone with as steady of a voice as he could manage.

 

“Good, you’re free. Now shut up and just let me talk okay. I have something to say and I really don’t want you to interrupt me until I’m done.”

 

Jonghyun said nothing, sure that his voice would crack if he tried to interject. Taking his silence as acquiescence, Kibum began telling him about his meeting with the company’s CEO earlier that day.

 

“You’re going to have a new album released in two months. Which means… you are going to be rehearsing every day this month and then promoting for the next three. I know that this seems like a lot, but the company…we think it’s best for your image to really dive in deep with this next album to help boost your image. You’re going to be doing the entire album with Kim Yubin-ssi.” Here Kibum cut off, as if expecting a reaction from the idol. Jonghyun remained silent, trying to absorb everything that he had heard.

 

“So…um…” Kibum sputtered out, as if not sure how to continue. “Look,” he finally said, dropping his manager-voice to replace it with that of Jonghyun’s best friend. “I know this sucks, okay? I know that you have Eunsook and don’t want to be this busy, but there’s nothing we can do. The company isn’t happy with your relationship so they’re making you do this collaboration with Yubin…” finally losing steam, he trailed off.

 

Silence stretched over the line as Kibum gave Jonghyun space to say something, but all Jonghyun could think about was the fact that Eunsook was lying unconscious somewhere in a hospital room.

 

“Kibum-ah,” voice cracking as he started crying, the cold reality finally hitting him that he was the reason Eunsook was here. That he had pushed too fast, too far.

 

“Jonghyun? Are you okay, hyung?” Kibum asked worriedly.

 

“No…,” he managed, breathless from the sobs that were wracking his body as he slid down the wall.

 

“Shit what happened? Where are you?”

 

“H-hospital,” was all he managed before his phone fell out of his grasp and he let his emotions ravage his body, losing the last shred of control he had left, unable to hold himself together one second longer.

 

Jonghyun stayed like that for minutes, maybe hours. Shoulders shaking with fresh tears, seemingly unbothered by the usual hustle and bustle of the hospital hallway as nurses walked by and family members spoke in hushed tones.

 

Kibum’s words circled around his head causing his heart to clench with the dawning realization that even though his world had come to a crashing halt, his life as an idol had not.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
I thought I was broken…  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

A soft beeping was the first thing Eunsook heard when she woke up. A warm body was pressed against her side and she attempted to stir, the familiar weight of it calling to her. Her arms ached from the IV and other tubes that were keeping her vitals steady and she groaned inwardly, not wanting to alarm any of the people who were undoubtedly seated around her.

 

Her mind buzzed with memories as everything came rushing back to her. Jonghyun touching her. Eunsook losing her breath from his kiss, from the million emotions that were coursing through her as her love for this man was echoed in every caress, every breath he stole from her giving lips.

 

A monitor picked up the change in her heart rate and she stomped down the rising emotions at the blissful memories. The warm body at her side stirred and tiny arms tightened around her as Kyungsoo awoke.

 

“Noona?” he asked sleepily. Unable to resist that sweet voice, she blinked her eyes open slowly, turning her head slightly to smile down at him. Kyungsoo’s face lit up and he hugged her tighter.

 

She sucked in a breath at the feeling, his arms a little too strong for her tired and sore state.

 

“Soo!” their mother scolded, quickly unwrapping him from his sister and pulling him off the bed.

 

“Wh-“ Eunsook swallowed, throat dry from lack of use. “Where’s Jonghyun?”

 

Her mother’s eyes squinted the tiniest bit with dissatisfaction before turning her head to the far corner of the room where Jonghyun, Kibum, and Minho were all sitting, heads bowed in sleep. Eunsook’s heart skipped a beat – metaphorically – at the sight, happiness coursing through her to see that he was still here. And that his friends were here for him.

 

“Sook-ah,” her mother said, sitting down gingerly next to her. “We need to talk about that boy. You-“ her voice broke, emotions rising up to form tears at the corners of her eyes. “Sweetie, you had a heart attack. Because of what you two were doing...”

 

Eunsook broke her gaze away from her mother, cheeks reddening as she couldn’t resist once again staring at Jonghyun. 

 

Turning to also gaze at him, Eunsook’s mother brought a hand to her forehead, pulling her hair out of her face before she traced the oxygen tube that was resting against her cheeks. “Eunsook-ah, you have to be more careful. You can’t put your heart under too much stress like that. You can’t…” at this she trailed off, the meaning behind her unspoken words hitting home.

 

“I know, Eomma,” Eunsook said, biting her lip as tears pricked her own eyes. “But, I love him. I love him so much.”

 

Her mother nodded in understanding, leaning down to kiss Eunsook’s forehead before standing up and drawing Kyungsoo out of the room.

 

After watching them leave the room, her gaze returned to Jonghyun as if he was the sun and she was the flower caught in his brilliance. Deep brown eyes stared back at her, his piercing gaze stripping her bare until she was sure that he could see into her very soul. Rising quietly from his seat, he strode the few steps it took to get to where she rested in the tiny room. She reached out a hand, smiling when he captured her wrist and pulled it up to kiss softly at her palm, being careful to avoid the tubes that punctured her skin.

 

“Sookie,” he breathed, tears stealing down his face as he tentatively sat down next to her on the tiny bed.

 

“Shh, I’m okay.” Eunsook’s chest clenched as she spoke, realizing how much Jonghyun had needed to hear those words as he finally broke down, sagging into her chest as if the weight of the world had been on his shoulders.

 

Wrapping her arms around him soothingly, she let him cry while remaining oddly calm. She owed him that much; her broken and battered body belonged to him and him alone. She owed everything to this man who had found her broken but made her whole; this man that saw in her what no one else had bothered to look for, who already knew everything about her but wanted to know more.

 

The man that made her tired heart thump restlessly in her chest as he kissed her desperately. Reverently. Knowing that no words could properly express his love, nor his apology for putting her through this.

 

Eunsook broke free of the kiss, needing to catch her breath and afraid of the ever-increasing beeping of the heart monitor that told her just how out easily he affected her.

 

Jonghyun cupped her cheeks in his strong hands, looking deeply into her eyes as he seemed to come back to his senses. He leaned away, his body removing itself from their little bubble even though the actions seemed to torment him. His soulful eyes burned into her and Eunsook couldn’t stop the shudder that went down her body when she realized what was happening. What he was trying to say without having to utter the words.

 

A tear slipped down her cheek and she nodded slowly in understanding, barely able to crack a smile as the hurt crashed over her and she dropped her hands from his waist so that they lay solemnly between them.

 

“I love you, Eunsook-ah,” was all he said before standing up, moving over to Kibum and shaking him awake. Minho, who had awoken at some point, walked over to Eunsook’s bed and leaned down to give her a warm hug. “Take care of yourself, noona.”

 

She nodded, knowing that if she attempted to speak she would not have the strength she needed to let Jonghyun walk away from her.

 

Kibum gave her a small nod, eyes set in a steely resolve that he remain strong for his friend. He wrapped a large hand around Jonghyun’s arm and ushered the idol out of the room, Minho following along silently as they walked out without another word.

 

Staring at the door, Eunsook refused to think about what that look in Jonghyun’s eyes had meant. Instead she settled back to rest her head on the fluffy pillows of the sterile hospital bed, closing her eyes as she heard her mother and Kyungsoo walking back down the hallway, her brother chattering animatedly while their mother hummed quietly in response.

 

In the silent moments that stretched forward, she knew that she needed to give Jonghyun space. That he needed time to fully come to terms with the reality of her condition. With the unwavering truth that this would not be the last time something like this happened. That this would not be their last goodbye.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Don’t forgive my guilty pleasure  
I want to embrace more strongly, my precious  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Jonghyun’s already shattered heart cracked with each step he took away from Eunsook’s side. He didn’t know how he would survive being away from her for more than an hour, for more than a day. But he didn’t have a choice.

 

Minho pulled him into a side hug as they prepared to exit the hospital. By now news had spread that the famous idol Kim Jonghyun was in the hospital, but thankfully no one had been able to find out why. Cameras flashed as they exited the main entrance and Kibum raised his hands to block their view, Minho ushering him into the waiting car, shutting the door behind Kibum before he climbed into the front seat and they drove off. His heart clenched with each second that passed, taking him further away from the hospital and further away from the woman he loved.

 

Turning around from his seat, Minho began discussing the protective details of Jonghyun’s new album schedule. The two served as a welcome distraction and Jonghyun shook his shoulders, forcing himself to focus on something he actually had control over. Something he knew he wouldn’t ruin.

 

He slowly began chiming in on the conversation, head clearing from the fog of the last 10 hours. Kibum smiled at him, eyes filled with a sad understanding as the idol took the large binder from his hands and began to flip through page after page of details and schedules.

 

The concrete details helped to center him as Jonghyun surrounded himself with dates and names, hummed songs that he had written and new ones that he could distantly remember hearing at some point. As the van pulled up to Kibum’s apartment, Minho and Kibum exited the van, Jonghyun staring blankly down at the binder before closing it with a steely resolve.

 

Leaving the van, he vowed that no matter how hard it was, he would pour everything he had into this new album. Vowed that no matter how much he hurt from being separated from Eunsook, it was better than the debilitating pain that staying with her, where he would most likely only hurt her more, would cause him.

 

He needed to protect her at all costs. Even if that meant protecting her from himself. Because he knew that if he indulged himself even a little, there would be no stopping. Eunsook held too much power over him to resist her any longer and he couldn’t bear to think about the consequences of those actions. So, instead, he would remain separate. Detached.

 

Not only for her sake, but for his own.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
I already cannot be stopped  
I’ve become more deeply addicted  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


	5. You're My Love Belt

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
I need you, I love you.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

“Unnie, you need to stop doing this to yourself.”

 

Eunsook didn’t bother responding to Gwiboon’s comment. She knew that she looked pathetic, watching yet another of Jonghyun’s live stages for his new comeback when it had become clear that he wanted nothing to do with her since that night. But she couldn’t help it. She loved him and feared that she would never be able to get over him as easily as he seemed to get over her.

 

The younger girl’s eyes squinted slightly at being ignored but Eunsook was glad that instead of starting another fight that would make her pining seem that much more pointless, Gwiboon settled for sitting next to the bed in her usual spot, the rather uncomfortable and slippery hospital chair making her lips purse in a silent grimace.

 

Eunsook returned her full attention to the screen, her eyes drinking in every detail of the idol Kim Jonghyun as he smiled sweetly and answered questions. He looked so natural on screen, like he belonged under the spotlight surrounded by beautiful people and beautiful things.

 

But if there was one thing that Eunsook was certain of at all anymore, it was that Kim Jonghyun the idol was not the same as Kim Jonghyun the man. The man that she had come to know, come to love, came out in brief glimpses. Like the way that beautiful lopsided grin didn’t quite reach his eyes when she knew just how dazzling that eye smile could be. Or the way that his hands remained calmly in his lap when she knew how they itched to dance through the air as he explained something or got caught up in his music. Eunsook may not be able to reach her Jonghyun through the screen, or through the various voicemails and text messages she had left him, but she could see him bursting at the seams through every slight tilt of his head as he cracked his neck uncomfortably, at every quick blink that fought off the hazy glaze of his tired eyes as if he was lost in his own little world and had to snap himself back into the moment.

 

Because no matter how breath-taking Jonghyun, as he always did, Eunsook was the one who noticed that he was too thin. As her eyes roamed over the beautiful planes of his face, she was the one who noticed the weary sag at the corner of his eyes and the shallow pallor of his skin even under the heavy layers of make-up that attempted to cover it all up. Worry pinched at Eunsook’s heart with each passing day as she watched live show after live show, interview after interview, and saw the beautiful man that she loved become a distant stranger.

 

Guilt coursed through her at the thought, lacing through her abdomen as if it was a corset strung too tight and she had to fight to breathe. Eunsook felt sick to stomach thinking about that night, about the way that she had been loved by Jonghyun and then had that love ripped from her as her body rebelled, breaking down as if it refused to let her be happy. She had spent many sleepless nights mulling over the details and couldn’t help but feel that it was her own fault for letting things get this far, for allowing herself to fall too deeply too quickly when she knew that good things weren’t meant for her.

 

“Yubin-ssi sure is something, don’t you think?” Gwiboon asked, breaking through Eunsook’s silence.

 

Swallowing around the lump in her throat at yet another insecurity that had surfaced during Jonghyun’s absence, Eunsook licked her lips and attempted to keep her voice level as she replied, “Yeah, she’s really talented.” Gwiboon glanced over at her briefly, as if sensing the childish jealousy that lived inside Eunsook’s soul, but said nothing and thankfully returned her attention to the show.

 

The young rapper was a well-respected artist, and while Eunsook was happy that all of Jonghyun’s fans were pleased with the collaboration, that didn’t mean that she wasn’t jealous of that fact that Jonghyun was spending the majority of his time with a beautiful woman. Eunsook knows from years of watching Jonghyun perform as a fan, that he has always been the idol of choice that female artists want to work with and where it used to make her gush with pride at the amazing talent that her favorite idol possessed, not the thought made her sag with anguish at the thought that maybe this time, Jonghyun wasn’t just pretending to flirt. Maybe the bright smile and fleeting touches were a signal to fans and to her that he had moved on, that Jonghyun had found someone worthy of his love that wasn’t currently tied down to a hospital bed waiting for a heart transplant.

 

“Unnie,” Gwiboon whispered, the concern in her voice matched by a gentle hand placed on top of Eunsook’s own.

 

“I’m fine,” she murmured, the tears that she hadn’t noticed forming at the corners of her eyes suddenly spilling down her cheeks at the lie.

 

“He still hasn’t contacted you?” the younger shifted forward in her seat and wiped away the tears.

 

Eunsook shook her head and moved back, wiping her face on her blanket sheepishly as she attempted to regain control.

 

“Oh, honey,” Gwiboon stood briefly, looking down at Eunsook with that knowing, sad smile for a minute as if her own heart was breaking for her. When Eunsook’s shoulders began to shake and she had to look away, Gwiboon sat down, her small frame pressed firmly against Eunsook’s on the tiny hospital bed as she enveloped the other girl in a reassuring hug, tight enough that Eunsook could feel the quiet strength that she so appreciated about the other but gentle enough not to squish the many tubes that were linked to her broken body.

 

“I miss him so much,” Eunsook managed, her voice cracking when Jonghyun’s soft laughter rang out over the television, answering a question with a bright smile – a real one this time – and ripping through any shred of hope Eunsook had left that he might be as miserable as she is.

 

Not a day had gone by where she hadn’t texted him to wish him good luck or let him know that she was thinking about him, that she loved him and was so proud of how hard he was working. Eunsook never mentioned how she was doing, how her health was steadily deteriorating or how she had had to quit her job at Heart and Seoul because of it. How her parents were scrambling to make ends meet and she felt so guilty because all she could worry about was the fact that Jonghyun was slipping right through her fingers and she was helpless to stop it.

 

Her whole body ached for the time when she could have told him everything she was feeling. When he would have been right there beside her every second of every day, holding her and telling her that everything would be okay, that he loved her. But instead of Jonghyun’s strong embrace, Gwiboon was the one holding her together. Because, no matter how much Eunsook loved him, it had been her damaged body that had created this chasm between them. Could Eunsook really blame him for finally realizing that Eunsook wasn’t worth the effort when he himself was so easy to love?

 

The show continued on in the background and the two girls settled against each other, Gwiboon quietly playing with Eunsook’s hair as the elder steadily watched the television screen, her cheeks stained with drying tears. A familiar numbness spread throughout Eunsook’s body as Jonghyun and Yubin performed a ballad, the pair singing in perfect harmony and looking so perfect together that she couldn’t fault Jonghyun for leaving her behind.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
I pretend to not care but I’m scared.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Minho prided himself on being quiet; quiet and observant. It was what made him so great at his job after all. Well that and his attention to detail.

 

“Jonghyun-ssi?” he repeated, the idol startling at his deep voice. Minho bit his tongue at the question that almost escaped him next, choosing instead to give the shorter man his cell phone. “Your sister called you during the show, so I told her you would call her back.”

 

“Thanks, Minho.” The distracted look that had been haunting the idol’s face returned as he glanced uninterestedly at the device, shoving it into his back pocket before he was swept away by the production team.

 

Minho silently observed his friend, noticing the slight way his shoulders curved in on himself, making him look smaller and more fragile than Minho, who served as Jonghyun’s personal trainer as well as his bodyguard, knew him to be.

 

“I’m worried about him,” Taemin whispered quietly in his ear, having snuck up on Minho. He hummed in agreement, eyes glued to the idol’s position as Kibum approached him with a protein bar and bottle of water. Jonghyun accepted the water but did not show any interest in the food. Minho frowned at the sight, determined to give the other a scolding later when he felt a small hand rest on his arm.

 

His bicep flexed under the familiar grip and he turned to his boyfriend raising an eyebrow rather than asking the younger what was wrong.

 

“Don’t be too hard on him, hyung,” Taemin’s eyes knowingly bored into his, and Minho was amazed yet again at how well he could read him.

 

“He’s just scared right now, and the best thing we can is be there for him in whatever way he needs. Whatever way he asks.”

 

Taemin’s last statement gave Minho pause, thinking back to that night when everything had changed and Jonghyun that had begun to blossom was wilting away with each day that he withdrew further and further away from Eunsook.

 

“When did you get to be so smart?” Minho teased, chuckling at the indignant huff Taemin let out before the younger was punching him on the arm.

 

“Hey! I have to be in top form for the concert tomorrow!” Rubbing his arm, Minho tried not to smile at the cute look of satisfaction that crossed over Taemin’s features. “You never know what kind of crazies are going to be out there,” he continued to nag.

 

This got the dancer’s attention and the air suddenly turned serious. Minho searched the room, seeing that Jonghyun was now sitting. The sight struck him and he was curious to know how someone who was constantly surrounded by people seemed so alone.

 

Before he could move to sit beside the idol and offer his quiet reassurance as a small form of support, Yubin was sitting down next to Jonghyun. Minho could have sworn he saw a small smile grace Jonghyun’s lips as he accepted the physical contact, turning his hand so that their fingers were laced and they were huddled together in the crowded room.

 

“Leave it,” Taemin whispered, raising on his tip toes to kiss Minho’s cheek before he rushed off, no doubt to discuss something with Kibum and Yubin’s manager about some last minute change they wanted to spring on him for the concert tomorrow.

 

Minho watched the pair from afar, periodically scanning the room for unfamiliar faces and potential danger. Thankfully, they had been to this studio dozens of times so Minho didn’t feel like he had to be on high alert, but there was something about the whole scene that seemed off.

 

It wasn’t until he was once again staring at Jonghyun that he finally noticed that the idol, who was usually so full of life and the center of attention for every other promotion, was a shade of his usual, vibrant self. The feeling unsettled Minho more than he would have expected, and his mind began to race with worry at what other dangers might be lurking beneath the surface of a depressed Jonghyun.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
You’re my love belt, hold me tight.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Sodam knocked softly on the hospital door, not sure what would happen once it opened. She had checked several times with the nursing staff that this was the correct room, and once again glanced at the room number for verification before allowing herself to enter.

 

Her hands nervously gripped the flowers she had bought in the gift store when she saw that the room was full of people. A young boy, probably 12, was the first to notice her and his head turned to the woman lying on the hospital bed asking loudly, “Who’s that, noona?”

 

All eyes turned to her and Sodam froze, unsure how to proceed. Thankfully, the manners that had been drilled into her as a child came to her rescue, forcing her to bow repeatedly as she made her way further into the room.

 

“Annyeonghaseyeo,” was said in return to her own greeting, and Sodam finally allowed herself to stand up smiling warmly at the young woman on the bed.

 

“I hope I’m not disturbing you, Eunsook-ssi.” A confused shake of the head gave her the courage to continue. “I’m Jonghyun’s sister, Kim Sodam, and I was wondering if we could speak privately?”

 

Eunsook’s surprise seemed to have robbed her of her voice, so Sodam instead turned to the other people in the room. “I’m terribly sorry to interrupt, but I’ve been wanting to meet Eunsook-ssi for a while and have some…uh…personal things to discuss with her,” she hated being vague but as the sister of a celebrity it was hard to break the habit. Plus, she wasn’t sure exactly how her conversation with Eunsook would go so she didn’t want anyone in the room to have any expectations should things not go according to plan.

 

“Of course, Sodam-ssi. Thank you for coming to visit our daughter,” the older womam, whom Sodam guessed was Eunsook’s mother, said, rising steadily and beckoning for the rest of the people to follow. One by one they passed her, bowing politely before exiting the room. The young boy stayed where he was, a determined look on his face as he looked up at his sister.

 

“Kyungie, can you go get noona some milk from the cafeteria?” Eunsook asked him, stroking his hair lovingly before she leaned down to give him a light kiss on the top of his head. He smiled at her briefly before nodding and also leaving the room, giving Sodam an accusing stare on his way out.

 

“He’s adorable,” Sodam said in an attempt to make small talk and ease some of the tension in the room at the abrupt silence.

 

Eunsook smiled at the comment, “He’s too protective for his own good.”

 

“Yeah,” she replied, smiling at her memories of Jonghyun at that age as he proclaimed that he would fight anyone that dared to hurt her.

 

“It’s nice to finally meet you,” Eunsook now said, drawing Sodam back to the present. The words were sincere but Sodam couldn’t help but feel somewhat burdened by them.

 

“I’m sorry we didn’t have a chance to until now….” The guilt at not believing her brother had actually been washed over her as she took in the fragile yet beautiful girl before her. Her skin had a slight blue tint even with the oxygen tubes that were helping her breathe. Sodam noted that even though the girl wasn’t rail thin, her features were slightly sunken and had an aged look about them that shouldn’t be there given her age. The image struck her to her core as the situation became all too real.

 

Tearing her gaze away, Sodam noticed that she was still holding the bouquet. The bright flowers made her smile and she reached out, waiting for the other girl to take them before her hands returned solemnly to her lap.

 

“Thank you, they’re beautiful,” Eunsook smiled brightly, bringing them to her nose to smell before she set them on the tray beside the bed.

 

“Eunsook-ssi,” Sodam said, conviction lacing her voice and causing the other to meet her eyes. “I came here to ask you something.”

 

“Of course, anything.”

 

Steeling herself for what would came next, Sodam could hear her heartbeat thudding loudly in her ears as she asked, “Do you love my brother?”

 

A soft gasp was all that left Eunsook as a million emotions washed over the other girl’s face. Sodam felt guilty for asking such a rude question but she needed to know the answer before she said anything else.

 

“I-I…d-don’t k-know what t-to…” Eunsook stuttered, her emotions written plainly for Sodam to see.

 

“I’m sorry for being so rude, Eunsook-ssi, but I needed to be certain.” Sodam reached out to clasp the younger girl’s hand tightly as she saw tears slip down her tired face and her lip trembled.

 

“Jonghyun is miserable without you but he’s too stubborn to admit it,” she stated matter-of-factly, hoping that her honesty would make up for her rudeness. “I’m worried about him, so is our mother. But he refuses to call you - to talk about you with anyone.”

 

Sodam could tell that she had shocked the younger woman, so she continued on, needing to get everything out know that she knew that Eunsook had been just as affected by her brother’s distance.

 

“I knew that he had developed feelings for you, but I think it took seeing how broken he is without you for me to fully understand just how serious this thing between you is. My brother has always felt things so deeply, you know? He’s such a tender soul and it pains me to think that there’s nothing I can do for him.”

 

She paused here, checking to make sure that Eunsook was still listening. After a few moments, the younger nodded at her in silent understanding.

 

“So…then I got to thinking. If I can’t do anything for him, maybe I could do something for you?”

 

“You don’t need to do anything…”

 

“I want to. Don’t you see? I love my baby brother more than anything and it has been killing me to see him slowly waste away these past weeks.”

 

Another tear slid down Eunsook’s cheeks at her words and Sodam felt a fond tenderness for the other girl sweep over her. Leaning forward, she gently cupped her cheek and smiled knowingly at the worry in her eyes.

 

“Eunsook-ssi, I made arrangements with the hospital and will be paying for all of your medical expenses.” At her words, Eunsook’s eyes opened wide and she gaped at her like a fish gasping for water. “I also talked with your doctors and they confirmed that we have the same blood type. We should be compatible if anything were to happen…” at this her voice trailed off, seeing that Eunsook was becoming visibly upset at the news.

 

“No, Sodam-ssi, it’s-“

 

“Please, call me unnie.”

 

Eunsook paused, taking in a deep breath as if to gather herself before continuing, “Unnie. It’s too much. I can’t-”

 

“Shh,” she said cutting her off once again as she clutched both of Eunsook’s hands in her own, desperate to get her point across. “You are the love of my brother’s life and this is the least I can do. He would die if anything happened to you and I couldn’t bear to see him like that. So this is how it’s going to be, araso?”

 

The younger gave her a perplexed look like she wasn’t sure whether Sodam was incredibly gracious or incredibly insane.

 

They sat like that for several minutes, Eunsook’s eyes shut tight as if she was processing everything. Finally, a quiet, “Thank you, unnie,” broke the silence and Sodam smiled triumphantly as the other girl’s rather easy acquiescence to her somewhat ridiculous requests.

 

“Of course, Sook-ah,” the nickname rolled easily off her tongue and Sodam was pleased to see that the other girl accepted it without question.

 

“How is he really?” The quiet desperation in Eunsook’s question shook Sodam to the core, afraid of saying the wrong thing and making Eunsook’s health worsen.

 

“He’s not himself,” was all she dared to say, grasping the other girl’s hands reassuringly as tears slipped down both of their cheeks.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Because of my selfishness, I always hurt you.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

The world was spinning.

 

“Jonghyun, what the hell do you think you’re doing?” Ah. Kibum. Always there even when he didn’t want him to be.

 

“Nothing,” Jonghyun said, the sounds slurring together as he hiccupped. The sound was funny, too funny given the disgusted look on his manager’s face and Jonghyun couldn’t help but laugh.

 

It felt so good to laugh. Each giggle made him feel like he was happy again and helping him forget that he was drowning out his sorrows with bottle after bottle of alcohol.

 

“Aish, hyung, you’re a mess.” Kibum was now very close to him, causing Jonghyun to blink repeatedly until the many Kim Kibum’s before him slowly turned into one.

 

“But I f-feeeel so g-gooood.”

 

“Oh, don’t lie to yourself.” The words rubbed Jonghyun the wrong way and he struck out, meaning to hit Kibum on the arm but missing completely, his balance thrown off and causing him to tip forward until he was falling off of the couch and onto the floor.

 

“Dammit, Jonghyun.” The disappointment in his friend’s voice struck him to his core and Jonghyun fought to catch his breath, to say something that would make up for the horrible mess he was making.

 

“S-sorry, Keeeeyy,” he attempted, his thoughts jumbled as his emotions threatened to overthrow his loose grip on reality as the world swam and he. Or maybe that was his stomach attempting to empty itself? Either way the feeling was highly unpleasant and made him whine into the soft plush of the carpet.

 

A deep rumble in the pit of his stomach made him cough and all of a sudden he was retching, unable to keep back all of the alcohol he had just consumed.

 

“That’s it, I’m calling your sister!” Kibum yelled, exasperated even as he reached down to hold Jonghyun’s shoulders so that he didn’t face plant into the mess. Jonghyun coughed, his body cold and his vision dimming until all he could see was a tiny pinprick of light.

 

The last thing that he wanted to see was also the thing that he desperately craved for, and he finally allowed his eyes to close as that angelic smile washed over him, filling his body with a warm tingling sensation as the alcohol lulled him into a deep sleep.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Hold me tight when I tremble.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

“Hey, sorry it’s so late, but you need to get here right away.” Sodam’s heart sank at those words, the tone in Kibum’s voice the same as always whenever he had to call her at this time of night.

 

“I’ll be right there,” she said before disconnecting the call. Closing her eyes to blink back tears, she climbed out of bed and grabbed whatever clothes were within reach, not bothering to see if they matched as she passed the hallway mirror on her way out the door.

 

Her car thrummed to life underneath her as she pulled out of the parking garage for her apartment building, hating that this wouldn’t be the last time she got this type of phone call from her brother’s manager. The calls had become increasingly worse as Jonghyun had refused to come to terms with his feelings. No matter how many times Sodam tried to talk to him about what had happened that night between him and Eunsook, he would shut down and refuse to talk to her.

 

Sodam bit back an angry laugh at that thought. She never would have that that her sweet, loving brother who used to sing her to sleep whenever she had a bad dream or would make her stay up for hours consoling him as he cried and told her about the hurtful things that the kids at school would say to him, would try to shut her out. But really, she knew the truth of what was happening. Jonghyun wasn’t shutting her out - he was shutting himself out, as if it were even possible.

 

The one thing she loved most about her brother was now the thing that was scaring her.

 

Turning down the familiar street to Kibum’s apartment, Sodam pulled into the garage and nodded at the security guard as he let her in.

 

A tired looking Minho met her in the lobby, reaching out to give her a reassuring hug that she gratefully sunk into. The elevator ride was a quiet one as Minho continued to hold her, gently stroking her back in quiet reassurance as she mentally steeled herself to become the stern bigger sister that Jonghyun needed her to be, moreso now than ever before.

 

Kibum was waiting for them when they got to his floor, giving her a brief hug before he marched into his living room, Taemin sitting on the couch with a passed out Jonghyun on his lap. Sodam sighed at the familiar sight, grateful that he had such good friends.

 

She approached the couch cautiously; never sure which Jonghyun she would find when he awoke.

 

“Jongie,” she said as quietly as possible, stroking his back just the way she used to when they were kids. He didn’t stir and she pressed harder, scratching his back and repeating with a firmer voice, “Jonghyun-ah. It’s time to go home.”

 

Jonghyun moaned in his sleep, turning over so that his head was no longer facing Taemin’s stomach. Taemin ran his hair tenderly through Jonghyun’s damp hair and Sodam smiled sadly up at him, hoping that he could see how thankful she was for his presence.

 

“Kim Jonghyun, get up right this instant,” she tried again, her voice more stern and reminiscent of their mother whenever she had been cross with him.

 

At her words, Jonghyun opened one eye only to close it again quickly as if the dim light in the room were too much for him.

 

“Noona?” he mumbled, a shaky hand coming up to rub at his face tiredly.

 

“Noona’s here,” Sodam said, her heart breaking the next moment when her baby brother opened those big puppy dog eyes and a tear slipped down his cheek.

 

“Noona,” he breathed, voice breaking as he reached out and she met him halfway so that they were both seated awkwardly on the couch, Taemin making a quick exit to join Minho and Kibum who were observing from a safe distance.

 

“Sh,” she hushed, rubbing calming circles on his back as he continued to cry into her shoulder.

 

“Sodam-ah, I m-miss her,” his voice was so low that she had to strain to hear him. “I miss her s-so m-much.”

 

“I know, Jongie. I know.” They sat like that for a few minutes before Minho was touching her back lightly, offering a helping hand that she wouldn’t have had the strength to ask for herself. Moving back, she separated from Jonghyun who simply sat there like a lost puppy. Minho moved forward, brushing a hand through Jonghyun’s hair before kissing his forehead and reaching out to scoop the smaller man up into his arms.

 

“Ready?” Minho asked, giving Sodam a moment to collect herself. She nodded, walking back toward the elevator where Taemin had already pushed the button for them. Jonghyun’s eyes were closed now as he clung to Minho, his tears staining his friend’s shirt but the other didn’t seem to care.

 

Once they had him loaded into the backseat of Sodam’s car, she thanked the three anxiously waiting men, hoping that the simple, “Thank you,” would translate into the multitude of things that she was grateful for: for their continued friendship, for their quiet dedication, for all of the love and support they had showed her brother over the years.

 

“Drive safely,” Taemin said, stepping forward to give her a hug first before Kibum and Minho followed suit, each repeating the words into her ear before they were stepping away.

 

Sodam climbed into her car, turning around to see that Jonghyun was once again passed out, his seatbelt cutting into his neck as he leaned awkwardly over so that his torso was on the seat next to him even while his legs were stuck out straight.

 

“Goofball,” a slight smile stealing over her face as she felt a laugh bubble up until she was chuckling quietly to herself. “All right, pup. Let’s go home.”

 

Her heart warmed as the familiar nickname slipped out, waving briefly to the security guard at the gate before she was once again pulling out on the street. She couldn’t help but think back to all of the happy memories that her sweet, sweet brother had brought her over the years and hoped that her plan to get him and Eunsook back together would work.

 

There was something peaceful about driving at this time of the night, when the air was crisp and the town was vibrating with a different energy than during the day. The moon shone bright in the sky and Sodam rolled down her window, sticking her hand out to feel the cool breeze and she drove down the still slightly busy streets as the night crowd came to life around her.

 

Jonghyun mumbled in the backseat and she smiled at tilted the rearview mirror to check on him. A tiny drop of drool dropped from the corner of his mouth onto her pristine seats and she tried not to growl at the thought of the mess he was making in her beautiful car, grumbling that he would just have to pay to get her car detailed when she heard a car honk, the noise jerking her eyes back to the road as she saw the red stop light before it was too late for her to slam on the breaks.

 

A bright light hit her face and Sodam squinted her eyes before her heart dropped at the sound of squealing tires as another car collided with hers, smashing into the passenger side and sending them careeningoff to the side of the road. Even as her body tensed for impact, she couldn't feel anything. Couldn't hear anything above the adrenaline coursing through her. Could only see brief glimpses of road and lights, until the world itself seemed to be spinning and everything suddenly went black.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Forgive me, I’m sorry.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


End file.
